


Point You Home

by cadysthesun



Series: Call & Answer [2]
Category: Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:34:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23798557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadysthesun/pseuds/cadysthesun
Summary: What do you do when all your dreams come true and you're officially dating your favourite person? Well, you finish the school year.
Relationships: Cady Heron/Janis Sarkisian
Series: Call & Answer [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1714573
Comments: 3
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "So if you call, I will answer.
> 
> If you fall, I’ll pick you up.
> 
> If you court this disaster, I’ll point you home."
> 
> \- Call and Answer, Barenaked Ladies

Saturday night, Janis has a whole variety of dreams, some of them feverish, but the one she wakes up from, the one she remembers, is coloured by the sunlight filling her room. They're in some kind of wide open space, drenched in sunlight, and Cady is laughing. That's it—Cady is laughing and Janis is just watching her, and there's no doubt or uncertainty or fear. Just the glow of that smile and a love that doesn't hurt. 

As soon as she wakes up, she reaches for her phone. 

> Cady: good morning 

Sent an hour ago. Janis sends, _hey, good morning_ , and she's typing _how are you?_ when an incoming call takes over the screen. 

"Hey, you." 

"You awake?" Cady asks, her voice soft. 

"I think so, what's up?" There's no answer, and after a beat Janis adds, half-joking, "Or nothing's up, you just wanted to hear my voice." 

"Obviously." 

That's all she gets. Janis almost yawns, rubbing a hand over her face, and tries to wait out the silence, but it's not realistic. "Cady, talk to me." 

"Did yesterday happen?" 

"You read the texts?" 

"We might have overestimated the power of a reminder text." 

"Did you ask your mom?" She's mostly teasing, but Cady exhales audibly. “I’m kidding. Yesterday happened. I’m not crazy about that past tense, though.”

Cady breathes a little laugh. “Yesterday is happening?”

“Yesterday will be happening,” Janis offers, and Cady laughs again, just barely.

She sounds the tiniest bit more upbeat when she says, “We didn’t talk about school,” which is funny because Janis is immediately filled with dread.

“What are you thinking?”

“That’s up to you,” Cady says, like it's the obvious answer. 

“Wait, what? What does that mean?”

“Oh,” Cady says. “Um, I don’t want to say this wrong. You’re the one with… associated… trauma? So I would want to do whatever you’re comfortable with.”

“Even if I wanted everyone to know.”

“Do you think I don’t want everyone to know?” Cady asks, voice low, and Janis might just die on the spot.

“Um…” She tries to remember words, or at least one word. “What was the question?”

“Do you want everyone to know?” Cady asks in her normal voice.

“I would like to be honest,” Janis says, and then realizes she’s hedging. “Yeah, I want everyone to know.”

“We’ll just act normal, then. New normal.”

“Whatever that is,” Janis says. “I guess we’ll find out.”

They go quiet, and a full minute passes before Janis remembers that it’s morning, and she still needs to get up. She’s used to staying on the phone until Cady falls asleep.

“I’m gonna get dressed and eat something. If I call back in like, an hour, wanna stay on the phone?”

“Okay,” Cady says quickly, and Janis can’t help smiling. The truth is, Cady is easy as fuck to read. She always has been. Janis was fully, absurdly in denial, and like, she gets it, but it’s still just a little bit embarrassing.

“Okay, bye for now.”

She calls back with headphones in hand and they stay on the call all day, doing homework the way they would if they were together, without the need for conversation. They hang out, watch a show, and at bedtime it’s the usual routine—switch off all the lights and lie in bed listening to Cady’s silence.

Before she has a chance to fall asleep, Janis asks, “Are you nervous?”

“About what?”

“I don’t know, coming out to the whole school at once?”

“I don’t care.” She says it so casually, and it takes a second for her to realize that Janis might need more than that. “This school has seen all the worst things I’ve done for love. The idea of them seeing me with my favourite person in the world… it just isn’t a concern. And I get that it’s different for you. That’s why I wanted you to make that call. ‘Cause for me, there is no downside.”

Janis doesn’t know how to respond to that. Maybe she’s dreaming again.

“Did I say the wrong thing?” Cady asks anxiously.

“No, you’re literally perfect.”

Cady laughs. “Shut up.”

“You’re perfect, there’s no way you’re a real human being.”

Cady doesn't say anything, which is probably a good sign. She could easily argue. Then again, maybe she's just decided it's pointless since they both know she doesn't agree, and it only upsets them both to make a big deal out of it. It doesn't really matter, though. Janis can't change what's in Cady's head, but if Cady is figuring out that Janis at least means what she says, it's progress.

"I love you," Janis says quietly.

"I love you," Cady says back, equally serious. "We can hang up."

"Okay, I'll see you in the morning. If you change your mind—"

"I won't."

"You can let me know when you see me." She hesitates, then says, "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

She ends the call and glances at the screen. Nine hours and twenty-five minutes. The silence seems to echo in her ears and she immediately texts Damian.

> Janis: I guess this is happening, cady has never taken a baby step in her life & she’s not gonna start now  
> Janis: no secrets  
> Janis: no closet  
> Janis: so my gay friend  
> Janis: we might need some gay moral support
> 
> Damian: yes bitch  
> Damian: my whole life has been leading to this moment  
> Damian: this is why I was born gay
> 
> Janis: I mean, same

It's not that Janis is nervous, exactly. Not consciously. But her anxiety dreams that night are wild. She wants nothing more than for everyone to see that Cady is with her, but the traumatized little girl inside of her is bracing for a hurricane, for the end of the world.

Damian picks her up first in the morning, as always, and Janis says, “I’m gonna pass out.”

“Breathe,” he demands. “Are you breathing?”

By the time she takes a few deep breaths, slow enough that she doesn’t hyperventilate, they’re outside Cady’s house and she’s stepping outside, turning back to lock the door. Cady doesn’t look quite as confident as she sounded on the phone, apprehension on her face as she walks down the path toward Janis.

She hugs her and says, “Hi.”

“Hi honey,” Janis says, rubbing her upper back, under her hair and between her shoulder blades. “How are you feeling?”

“The same,” Cady says, but almost immediately she pulls back and looks at Janis with her eyebrows drawing together. “Did yesterday happen?”

Janis nods, bringing a hand up to brush Cady’s hair back from her face.

“The same,” Cady says again. Her eyes drop, and she wraps an arm around Janis’s waist, squeezing her from the side. “Hi Damian.”

He turns back from where he was giving them a little bit of privacy and waves, and they start walking again.

The morning is uneventful. Cady just reaches for her whenever she sees her, to hold her hand or touch her arm or hug her, and no one really pays attention to them.

When she sits down beside Cady at lunch, Janis asks, “Are you coming over?”

Cady nods, moving her hand to cover Janis’s, her fingertips tracing Janis’s knuckles and rubbing the soft skin between them. “Same rules, we’re just supposed to be… y’know… personally responsible.” She shakes her head a little, looking down at their hands, and Janis watches the side of her face.

‘Responsible.’ Right.

“Guys,” Damian says from the other side of the table. “Check your insta stories.”

Janis has her phone on the table so she pulls up insta where Cady can see it. The most recent post is from literally a minute ago, a zoomed-in photo taken from a distance of Janis and Cady sitting there, Cady's hand on hers and Janis looking at her like she just hung the moon. It's far from PDA but it couldn't be more fucking obvious that Janis is in love. 

The text on the photo says, _hello???_

"Oh, shit," Janis says, swiping to the next person. A photo of Janis and Cady holding hands in the hallway with a big _*eyes emoji*_ , reposted with added text, _we're all seeing this right??_

A photo of them hugging at Cady's locker, one of those full-body hugs that make you wonder, and then Cady's arms around her waist under her jacket so there's no wondering necessary. That one has text reading, _am I crazy or…_ , reposted with, _I ship it_ , re-reposted with, _FINALLY_. 

"Holy shit," Janis says, and then, reflexively, "Are you okay?" 

"We should take a selfie," Cady says. 

"You're right." She opens her camera, wraps an arm around Cady and snaps a pic. It's so cute she just stares at it for a second, her hand absently sliding from Cady's shoulder to the curve of her neck, under her hair. 

Janis doesn't take selfies. More accurately, she sometimes decides to take a selfie and then after forty-odd attempts gives up and pretends she never had the idea. Which is like, basically normal. Nobody really likes to look at their own face and everyone takes a billion selfies before getting one they like, it's just that most girls actually, you know, post one eventually. But no one expects that of her, and it's fine. 

It's just that she's never looked at a picture of herself right after taking it and thought, _That's perfect. I look adorable and I want everyone to know._ But she's never looked this happy. She's literally never seen her face like this—the smile is different, her eyes, the shape of her face. It's fucking wild. 

Cady looks perfect, but that's normal. 

She makes sure Cady has seen it, then adds text— _"Finally."_ complete with quotation marks—and sends. She opens a new post, just text:

> Guys. 
> 
> 1) You know we can see your posts right?? 
> 
> 2) Tag me pls I don't want to miss anything. *angel emoji*

"Okay?" she asks Cady. 

Cady nods, and Janis only then realizes her hand is still resting at the base of her neck. She brushes her thumb over Cady's skin, then pulls her hand away, because they're still in public and they still have to… eat lunch? 

Her notifications explode almost instantly and she half-ignores them to eat. “Why do they care so much?”

“It’s high school,” Damian says, which is fair. “Also, the world is a garbage fire and sometimes people just want to wallow in good news for a second.”

“We’re good news,” Janis says, looking at Cady. “We’re like the Obamas.”

“More like Harry and Meghan,” Damian says, “but yeah.”

“You’re right, that’s better. You’re Harry, obviously,” she tells Cady.

It’s mostly a joke, but Cady shrugs. “You know I had a British accent when I was a kid.”

Janis looks at Damian, her brain doing this useless short-circuiting thing as it tries to wrap itself around the idea of Cady with an accent. “I did not know that.”

“It wasn’t like, a specific accent, just kind of a mishmash of everyone I grew up with. But then kids started watching American TV and asking why I didn’t have an American accent, so I adapted.”

That’s interesting, but kind of sad. Of course Cady didn’t just start adapting once she got here. It’s been a lifelong thing for her.

Janis slips her hand into Cady’s and squeezes, then says, “Do you have home movies?”

“Probably, if they survived the move. It’d have to be a trade, though.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

Damian fully ignores them half the time but now he says, “I swear sometimes you guys aren’t even speaking English.”

Narrowing her eyes, Janis tries to figure out where they lost him. “We have a system, if something has the potential to be embarrassing we trade for it. Like home movies.”

“As insurance?”

Well, no. That can’t be it. “It’s just fair.”

He gives her a dry look, but she genuinely doesn’t see the issue. “So you never have to ask, right? Meaning you developed a ‘system’ to circumvent the need to admit you have a feeling. Which is very you.”

“I mean... it was Cady’s idea.”

“That doesn’t make it better!” Damian says, and points two fingers at them. “It just means you’re equally exhausting.”

“He’s right,” Cady says.

“Yeah, you’re right. You love us though.”

He rolls his eyes. “I guess now that your friendship will actually improve my status at this school, I can tolerate you.”

Damian is such a fucking blessing, she should do something nice for him other than five dollars on venmo. She picks up her phone and texts Cady: _remind me to figure out something nice to do for Damian._

Cady pulls her phone out of her pocket and says, “I’m gonna add your posts to my story,” which is pretty smooth for someone who sucks at lying.

“It’s chaos,” Janis says, gesturing with her phone.

“Yeah, but it’s our chaos.”


	2. Chapter 2

In the afternoon, people stop pretending not to notice them, and it’s super weird but not in a bad way? As far as Janis can tell, the response is universally positive. They get smiles and thumbs-up and Janis gets high fives from a couple of the bros, which is _disgusting_ but also kind of reassuring, like they’re on her side.

The fact that no one actually says anything to them is a testament to how effectively Janis scared them off right after Spring Fling, which she takes as a compliment.

Their walk home is dead silent for the first time in months. Damian is walking fast, like he can’t get away from them soon enough, and Janis is a ball of nerves. She hasn’t kissed Cady in two full days and it might as well be a lifetime. Notwithstanding the consistency of Cady’s affection today, maybe _now_ she’ll change her mind. Maybe now that it’s too late she’ll realize what she’s done and panic. Maybe she’s realizing it right now.

Damian doesn’t pause outside Janis’s house, just says, “Bye guys, see you tomorrow,” and takes off.

Inside, after locking the door behind them, Janis pauses with her back turned like a coward. She braces herself and turns, and Cady is waiting there, patient and steady.

“How are you feeling?” Janis asks, and Cady just looks at her until Janis drops her eyes, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Then Cady walks forward, taking advantage of Janis’s bowed head to kiss her without having to reach. Janis wraps an arm around her waist and tugs her a step closer, her other hand going to Cady’s cheek.

After a minute, Cady turns her head slightly and says, “How are you feeling?”

“Remember what you said about your heart stopping?”

“Yeah.”

“That.”

“Okay,” Cady says. She takes a step back. “Do you want a snack?”

“How are you so calm?”

“What should I not be calm about?” Cady asks, and Janis doesn’t know how to answer that. “Let’s go downstairs.”

They sit on the couch, Cady so close she’s almost on top of her, and Janis rests an arm on her leg, hand on Cady’s knee. Cady takes the other one, holding it in both of hers, and Janis says, “It can’t be this easy.”

“So, what? You wanna make it harder?”

Interesting counterpoint. “Where’s the girl who kept asking me whether yesterday happened?”

“Look,” Cady says, holding their hands up between them. “You’re right here. It’s currently happening.”

“That is very valid.”

“It’s okay if you aren’t instantly fine with this. It’s okay to need a minute.”

Janis shakes her head. "No, that's not—I'm not—"

"I'm just saying, it's okay."

"It _isn't_ ," Janis says, and Cady nods, looking down. "I can't fuck this up, not now."

"Do you remember Friday?" Cady asks, and Janis panics a little more than she was already.

"Not really!"

Cady smiles, eyes flicking up to meet hers. "No, me neither. I just meant, um... you were kind of perfect when you weren't trying. You're overthinking now but you can just, like... be yourself."

Janis laughs, because yeah, right.

"Or maybe you just need to stop thinking."

Janis raises her eyebrows and Cady pushes up on her knees. She leans in to kiss her and Janis wraps an arm around her waist, tugging her onto her lap. Cady half-gasps against her mouth, her hands cupping Janis's jaw, before kissing her properly. Both hands on her waist, Janis pulls Cady closer, wraps one arm around her and brings a hand up to push her hair back from her face. She tangles her fingers in it and tilts Cady's head, stretching up like she'll ever get close enough, like there's any such thing as 'close enough.'

When she tilts Cady's head the other way and moves to kiss her neck, she hesitates a breath away, her nose almost grazing her. Cady lets out a shaky breath and Janis kisses her skin, just under her jaw, then just under her ear.

"God," Cady breathes. "I'm not sure personal responsibility is gonna cut it."

Janis pauses. "You realize what you're saying, right?" She pulls back to look at her, moving her hand to Cady's cheek and brushing her thumb over her skin. "If you can't be responsible, I'll have to be responsible for you."

She's mostly teasing, but Cady flushes, her eyes dropping, and she bites down on her lower lip.

"Oh, you like that idea."

"You said you like taking care of me."

"I do," Janis says.

"You're better at it than I am."

Janis can’t tell if she’s being serious, or if she knows what she’s asking. “Do you want me to take care of you?”

Cady nods, but her head is down, her hair fallen forward around her face.

“Can you look at me?”

Looking up, Cady meets her eyes, clear and direct, and Janis scans her face, trying to figure out what she’s thinking.

“I need you to say it.”

“I want you to,” Cady says, and Janis thinks, _Well, all right._ She can feel this out.

“Let me see your planner,” Janis says, and Cady gets up, digging through her bag for her planner and then sitting back down beside her, their legs pressed together. She hands Janis the planner and takes her arm, leaving her hands free to flip through to the current week.

It’s their last week of classes and there’s a lot going on, all of which Cady has inscribed in great detail and colour-coded. It looks intimidating on first glance, but Cady is so unreasonably smart that she finishes most work during class time. Still, they need to prep for finals and there’s no point getting complacent now.

“If we do less work here you’ll have to do more at home,” Janis says. “That’ll be easier, right? Easier to focus.”

Cady nods. “I always do some stuff after dinner anyway, my mom is used to it.”

“So I think an hour a day is reasonable.” She’s thinking, _An hour a day max. An hour on a good day. An hour with breaks and snacks._ But Cady doesn’t need to hear that right now. “And I think… for today… half an hour is reasonable.”

Cady nods and Janis nudges at her leg, just the implication of a push.

“Go work now, in half an hour we can relax.”

Moving over on the couch, Cady looks back at her like the distance between them is far greater than two-to-three feet. Janis sets an alarm and pulls out her own books, and they work in silence. When the alarm goes off, Cady looks up, but she doesn’t move.

“Wanna finish what you’re doing?”

She shakes her head.

“Okay, come here.” Janis sets her books aside and Cady gets up, leaving her stuff on the couch and climbing back up on Janis’s lap, pressing her into the couch and kissing her. She knows what she wants, that’s for sure. Cady’s always been like that.

“I’m gonna drop out of school,” Cady says without pulling away. “I’m gonna spend the rest of my life right here.”

"Do you wanna do that,” Janis asks, “or do you wanna listen to me and do what I say.” She’s careful to keep her tone light, to leave room for it to be taken as a joke, but Cady goes still, swallowing audibly. Her breath turns fast and shallow and she tries to kiss her again but Janis turns her face slightly. “Answer me,” she says softly.

“I wanna listen to you,” Cady says, her hands gripping the lapels of Janis’s jacket tight.

Janis nudges her back enough to look at her and says, “If you say no, we can just take a step back. Rewind a little.”

“I don’t want to,” Cady says, and she does seem very sure about it.

“This isn’t exactly what we agreed to.”

“Do you want to rewind?” Cady asks.

“No.”

“Then I guess we just agreed to it.”

When Cady wants to make sense, she _really_ makes sense. That's some ironclad logic. What’s Janis gonna do, argue? She still doesn’t know if Cady really, truly knows what she’s asking, but she can’t say Cady hasn’t been clear. They’ve agreed. So… all right then.

“Okay, kiss me,” Janis says, and Cady releases her jacket, cupping her jaw and kissing her. Janis slides her hands from Cady’s waist, up her back and down again.

Out of nowhere, Cady says, “Oh, fuck,” and not in a good way.

“What?”

“Aaron texted me today.”

“Okay,” Janis says, but Cady looks worried. “That’s not your fault.”

“I should have mentioned it sooner.”

“No, it doesn’t matter,” Janis says. “Do you want to show me?”

Cady moves to sit beside her on the couch, pulling her phone out of her pocket and unlocking it. She pulls up the conversation and hands her phone to Janis, which is a level of trust she has to pause and appreciate for a second. Janis glances over at her, giving Cady her free hand before looking at the screen.

The conversation is under an unsaved number, the first message from Friday.

> Aaron: Hey! Good seeing you today. *smiley emoji* I forwarded the email to your gmail.  
> Aaron: Still up for getting coffee sometime?
> 
> Cady: maybe after finals  
> Cady: I’ll have to get back to you in a couple weeks
> 
> Aaron: No problem!

“Why does he text like that,” Janis says out loud, and Cady laughs a little.

> Aaron: Hey! I saw insta – congrats! *smiley emoji* I’m hoping a casual hang is still on the table?

Janis really, really hates him, but she tries to chill out before speaking again. She hands the phone back and says, “I don’t care if you want to see him, but if you don’t, you can blame me. Say I’m possessive.”

“You are, a little.”

“Oh, I _absolutely_ am,” Janis says, “but I also trust you. And I don’t give a shit about Aaron.”

Cady nods, staring at the screen and nibbling on her lip as she decides what to say.

> Cady: Hey Aaron, thanks for the

She pauses and says out loud, mostly to herself, “Sentiment? Thought? Thanks for the thought? Is that a thing people say?” Then she shakes her head and erases the last two words.

> Cady: Hey Aaron, thanks. I don’t think it’s going to work out at this point. I’m sure your intentions are pure but it wouldn’t be fair to Janis. No hard feelings.

“Is that okay?” Cady asks, and Janis laughs.

“It’s a little dry.”

Cady considers that, then adds a _*thumbs up emoji*_ to the end and Janis fully cracks up. “Okay?” Cady says again.

“Go for it.”

She hits send and puts her phone back in her pocket, then wraps her arms around Janis’s waist. Janis puts her arm around her, absently running her fingers through Cady’s hair with the same hand.

“You’re genuinely my favourite person in the world, I can’t believe you’re that fucking funny without trying.”

After a second, Cady says, “Are you making fun of me?”

“Honey, I promise I am literally never making fun of you.”

“Oh.”

Janis runs her fingers through Cady’s hair again and says, “Do you believe me?”

“Maybe.”

“Okay.”

At the door, getting ready to go, Janis stops Cady and brings both hands up to her jaw, studying her face. Her expression is open and trusting, eye contact steady. Janis can’t look at her and see anything but hope and possibility. 

Still, she asks, “How are you feeling?”

“Good,” Cady says.

“Good?”

She nods.

“Anything happen today that you didn’t like?”

She takes a second, then shakes her head.

“Go home and think about it, if you change your mind you can text or call or let me know when you see me.”

Cady just looks at her, not moving.

It wasn’t a suggestion, but Janis says, “Will you think about it?” and Cady nods. “Good girl,” she says, pressing a kiss to Cady’s forehead. Cady tips her chin up and Janis kisses her properly, thumbs stroking the corners of her jaw, and Cady pushes up on the balls of her feet. It’s different, somehow—like instead of Cady trying to reach her, she’s just… floating a little. Like she just can’t stay on the ground.

Dropping back on her heels, Cady hugs her tightly and says, "I love you."

"I love you too," Janis says, rubbing her back. After a second, she adds, "We have to go, though."

Cady pulls back with the tiniest unconscious pout and Janis smiles, kissing her quickly.

"I'll see you in the morning," Janis says.

"I know," Cady says. When they're on the sidewalk, she adds, "I still think I should drop out of school."

"Then you'd just be alone for eight hours a day."

Apparently Cady genuinely hadn't thought of that, because she says, "Wow, I'm stupid."

"Don't use that word."

"Okay." Cady looks over at her. "Can I have a word to use instead?"

"You can. I'll have to think about it for a minute."

Cady smiles to herself and it's so cute Janis almost trips over her own feet.


	3. Chapter 3

Janis drops Cady off at home and says hi to her parents, then walks a little more, processing. It's weird to think that all of three hours ago she was mildly freaking out. She didn't even know what the issue was, wouldn't have been able to articulate it, but as soon as Cady handed that control back to her, everything settled into place. 

When Cady was with the Plastics, Janis _thought_ she was living it up, like she had everything she wanted and Janis wasn't any part of it. She thought Cady wanted what she had—the power, the influence, the responsibility—when it was this weight on her shoulders. Maybe this is a kind of reaction to that, a rebound to a different extreme. 

But the journey since Spring Fling has been Cady learning to trust in having actual solid backup, Cady learning to lean on her, literally and figuratively. And that wasn't easy, it was an actual process, but it was what made sense to Janis and apparently it made sense to Cady too.

Now, Cady is more confident, she's secure, she can choose to need Janis because she wants to and holy shit. That's huge. It's monumental.

Around eight, Cady texts her a screenshot:

> _ Aaron: Totally get it!   
>  Aaron: I just know that things haven't always been great between you two so if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here as a friend! _
> 
> Cady: I’m gonna puke
> 
> Janis: just block his number
> 
> Cady: done   
>  Cady: he's bold
> 
> Janis: he's an idiot   
>  Janis: you ok?
> 
> Cady: feel kind of bad idk
> 
> Janis: wanna call?

Her phone buzzes.

"Hey. Men are the worst."

"You're right," Cady says. "It's kind of nice that I don't have to, you know..."

"Date men?"

"Yeah."

"You're welcome," Janis says, and Cady laughs.

"Seriously. But does this mean we can't go back to the diner?"

"No, it just means I'll fucking deck him if I see him."

"Yeah, that makes sense." She goes quiet for a little while, then says, "Can I do something for you?"

Janis wasn't expecting that, and her eloquent response is, "Huh?"

"It'd make me feel better."

“Wanna find me a really cool picture of a lion?”

Cady laughs again. “Okay.”

All of thirty seconds later, Janis’s phone buzzes and she checks it to see a very fierce close-up of a lion roaring.

“Nice,” Janis says. “Did you have that in your back pocket?”

“You don’t wanna know how many lion pics I have saved on my phone.”

Janis considers that, then says, “Show me.”

There’s a long pause. Cady lets out a breath and says, “Okay. How much?”

“One screen, you can scroll or cover anything you don’t want me to see.”

“That wouldn’t be suspicious at all,” Cady says jokingly. “One second.” She sends a screenshot of her downloads folder, and it’s legitimately ninety percent lions. The other ten percent is photos of cute Japanese desserts shaped like cats.

“You had to think about that one, huh?”

“No, I just had to stop myself from saying something… childish.”

“Like what?” Janis asks.

“Like…” She softens her voice until the faked whine is barely perceptible. “No, that’s so embarrassing.”

Janis laughs. “It isn’t even embarrassing.”

“Me being a whiny baby would be embarrassing, though.”

“I probably would’ve thought it was cute, but fair enough.”

“Maybe the first time,” Cady says reasonably, “but as soon as I do it once, I’m the kind of girl who acts like that. I don’t want you to think I’m that kind of girl.”

Janis has a lot of thoughts about that, but all she says is, “Huh.” There’s a beat of silence, then she says, “Are you feeling any better?”

“You always make me feel better.”

“I’ll see you in the morning, then, okay?”

Cady pauses again and says quietly, “Okay.”

“I still want you to think about what I told you.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

In the morning, Janis can’t decide whether to be more or less anxious, and she can’t exactly tell Damian that she has a whole new reason to maybe freak out. But Cady beams as she steps outside and Janis can’t help smiling back.

When they hug, Janis says, “Any updates?”

“Nope.”

Janis pulls back to look at her, bringing a hand up to brush Cady’s hair back. “You wanna move forward with what we agreed on yesterday.”

Cady nods.

“You can still change your mind,” Janis says. “Any time, any place. Just say.”

Rolling her eyes, Cady says, “Keep saying that. I _love_ hearing that.”

Janis almost laughs, shifting her jaw to the side and biting down on her tongue. “Be good,” she says, and Cady nods quickly. She lifts her chin and drops her eyes and for a second Janis thinks about making this harder for her, or making her ask. Instead, she touches her jaw and kisses her and they start walking.

“Hi Damian,” Cady says. “I’m gonna drop out of school.”

“Um…”

“You can ignore her,” Janis says. “She’s just making noises that sound like words.”

“That seems like a dangerous path to start down.”

“Cady?”

“Are you saying you don’t trust her judgement?” Cady asks, and Janis cackles.

“How am I the one in trouble here?”

“I’m invincible,” Janis says, immediately tripping on a crack in the sidewalk and pitching forward, catching her balance with her arms out to her sides. Damian bursts out laughing and Janis straightens up before bowing with a flourish. Cady is desperately trying _not_ to laugh, which is very sweet but not at all necessary. “You can laugh,” Janis says, grinning. “It’s funny.”

Cady smiles back but motions for her to come closer and says into her ear, "Always?"

Janis has to stare into space for a second until her brain starts working again. "Absolutely. Hundred percent. You can challenge me on that."

Cady gives her a mild look, eyebrows lifting, and Janis grins. She isn't wrong, but no matter how serious this thing gets, Janis always wants them to be able to laugh about it. There are very few things Janis doesn't have a sense of humour about and she would hate for Cady to be one of them. 

At lunch, Kevin comes over to their table to invite them to another ‘get-together’ at his house to celebrate the last day of school and blow off some steam before finals. Cady looks to Janis, which might have been a little obvious if Damian didn’t do the exact same thing.

Janis smiles, saying, “We’ll check our schedules and get back to you.”

Cady waits until they’re alone at her locker to say, “You didn’t say no."

Janis leans on the next locker the way she always does, but she keeps her eyes on Cady. “Why would I say no?”

“You hated the last party,” Cady says, switching out her books.

“I honestly think you hated it more than I did,” Janis says. Cady closes her locker, but before Janis can move she’s turning and sliding closer, her back to the wall. Janis settles a hand on her waist automatically, scanning her face. “It wouldn’t be like that, though. We don’t have to go, but if we do, I’ll take care of you. You won’t have to worry.”

Cady considers that, nibbling on her lip, and Janis stares at her mouth for a second. “Can you decide?” Cady asks, and Janis meets her eyes again.

“Sure. I say we give it one more try, if it’s awful we’ll never do it again. I’ll have to take you home after, but we won’t drink anyway.”

Cady nods, but she bites down on her lip and Janis can’t help staring again. Sighing, Cady tips her chin up.

“You want me to kiss you here?”

“Why not? Everyone knows.”

“That’s fine,” Janis says. “We do have to have a talk about boundaries, though.” She kisses her, one split-second longer than a peck.

“Yours or mine?” Cady asks, and Janis is completely thrown.

“What?”

“I already told you mine.”

“When?”

“The first time you kissed me.”

Janis has no idea what she’s talking about, but says, “A lot has changed since then.”

“That hasn’t.”

It’s impossible to think like this, so Janis will have to take a minute later to figure out what exactly happened here. “We still have to have the conversation,” Janis says, and Cady nods. “Okay?”

She nods again. “I wasn’t arguing.”

“I know,” Janis says. “You’re just…” She wants to say stubborn, but goes with, “Strong-willed. I like that about you.”

Cady leans her head back on the locker, eyelids low, and says, “You don’t wish I was more agreeable?”

“You haven’t said no to me yet.”

“That’s true.”

The first bell rings and Janis glances up reflexively. The noise in the hall quadruples so she leans forward and says into Cady’s ear, “When I need you to be more agreeable, I’ll tell you.”

Cady shivers, nodding, and Janis kisses her again before stepping back and waving her away. When she’s gone, Janis half-falls against the locker, pressing her forehead to the cool metal and trying to remember what Cady said the first time they kissed. No, the first time _Janis_ kissed _her_. She remembers standing in the kitchen, touching Cady’s face, and she said…

_Always._

Shit.

She goes over the memory again, trying to find some other implied or stated boundary. _Always_ is the opposite of a boundary, but she can’t say she doesn’t believe her. Cady hasn’t given her any reason to doubt an _always_ , but still. They’ll have to come up with a line, even if it’s just an excuse for Janis to say no occasionally.

The second bell rings and Janis sighs, pushing off the locker and strolling to her next class.


	4. Chapter 4

When they get home after school, Cady turns on her heel, reaches up and kisses her.

"I can't believe your mom is allowing this," Janis says, both hands going to the small of Cady's back and pulling her closer.

"She trusts you."

"She's lucky I want you to succeed more than—" She stops short, cutting herself off, feeling like she almost just stepped past the edge of a cliff and needs to scramble back onto solid ground.

"More than what?" Cady asks, but Janis shakes her head. "More than what?"

"Don't test me."

Cady stares up at her, fingers toying with the hairs at the base of Janis's neck. "Can I sit on your lap?"

"If you work for an hour, you can."

"Can I sit on your lap for five minutes and then work for an hour?"

She should say no, honestly. She shouldn't encourage this kind of negotiation—it’s entirely counter-productive. But it's still technically day one, and Janis isn't made of stone.

"I'll set a timer," she says, and Cady nods.

"That's fair."

Janis pulls out her phone before sitting down, but Cady climbs on her lap and kisses her neck and Janis loses every thought in her head. It takes a minute for her to even remember she was supposed to be doing something, and then she says, “Hey.”

Cady tucks her chin so her mouth isn’t on her, but Janis can still feel the tip of her nose grazing her neck, the tickle of her hair, and it takes everything in her to focus long enough to set a fucking five minute timer and hit start. She drops her phone and slides both hands up Cady’s back, and she feels Cady take a long, slow breath, then do it again.

“Are you smelling me?”

Cady freezes. “Not in a creepy way.”

"Well, do I smell good?"

"You know what's funny?" Cady says, pulling back to look at her. "Pheromones are evolutional, theoretically, meant to support reproduction. There's no evolutionary reason for you to smell this good to me."

"That's kinda gay."

Cady shrugs. "Born this way theory, kind of, like my body physically, um, scientifically, uh... Shit."

"You're saying your body is scientifically gay for me."

"Something like that."

"Did Aaron smell good to you?" 

Cady looks down, then ducks her head, tucking her face into Janis's neck and inhaling. "I never got this close to him. He smelled like soap... cologne, I guess. Something chemical."

"I honestly don't know what happened between you guys. You were cozy at Spring Fling, right? I didn't imagine that?"

The timer goes off and Janis silences it, keeping a steadying hand on Cady's waist so she doesn't move. Cady lays her head down, hands on Janis's sides in a way that is somehow more distracting than anything her mouth was doing earlier.

"We kissed. But I had to find you, and then I couldn't talk myself into walking away. I guess I tried to divide my attention but it didn't work out too well."

"'It didn't work out too well'?" Janis echoes, and Cady sits up, giving her one of those silly smiles.

"For him," she says, like _duh_ , and Janis brings a hand up to her cheek, letting Cady be the one to lean in, to kiss her carefully, tug on her lower lip and press her mouth open with her tongue.

"Did you see him again?"

"Um... You know, I had to go back to school, and you were at school, and then we started spending all our time together so I'd have to actually choose to _not_ be with you, and it just kind of petered out. I think he had some sort of expectation. Maybe he thought we bonded or whatever. But there was nothing there, like, I guess girls do date guys who are hot and nice and just... that. Maybe I'd have been that girl if I didn't suddenly need to spend all my time with you."

"Your mom was one hell of a wingman."

Cady smiles. "You're right, but that's not what I meant by 'need.'"

"No, yeah. I get it. Once you got to know me better you couldn't resist."

Still smiling, Cady looks at her mouth, but then she shifts on Janis's lap and Janis says, "Get up." Her tone is neutral, but it isn't a request, and Cady doesn’t take it as one. She slides back until she can put her feet on the floor and stands up, still watching her lips. "You can work for half an hour and then take a break. Come here." She sits up and reaches for Cady to lean in and kiss her, then says, "Go on."

Cady moves to her end of the couch, pulling out her books, but when Janis glances over a minute later, she's just staring into space.

"Can you focus?"

"I'm not sure."

"If you can't focus, you'll have to go home. That's not my choice, I can't do anything about that."

"I know," Cady says. "I can focus. I can."

"I'll have to check your work."

Cady smiles, looking over at her, then nods and puts on a very determined face, picking up her pen. Janis sets a timer for twenty minutes, which is really very close to half an hour. Basically half an hour. Just depends how you look at it.

The timer goes off, and once again Cady looks up but doesn’t move. It’s like this tiny, instinctual show of deference and it feels fucking amazing.

“Let me see,” Janis says, and Cady moves to sit beside her, showing her a very compact and neatly-written half-page of study guide. “See, this is what I mean,” Janis murmurs, skimming the contents. “Strong-willed.”

“You can do anything with the right motivation.”

“ _You_ can,” Janis says. “You’re extraordinary.” She doesn’t even think about it, doesn’t mean anything by it other than _she is_ , but Cady goes still.

“I’m what?”

“Extraordinary,” Janis says again, looking at her. “That isn’t a compliment, it’s a statement of fact. Ask anyone.”

Flushing, Cady shakes her head. “You can’t say that.”

Janis raises her eyebrows and Cady’s eyes go wide like she didn’t realize what she was saying. “I just did,” Janis says, somewhere between neutral and blunt. “Thanks for the input, though.”

“Sorry,” Cady whispers, and Janis nods.

“Don’t do it again. You want popcorn?”

“I can get it,” Cady says quickly, and Janis gives her a confused look, already getting up to head for the stairs. When she comes back, she wraps an arm around Cady’s shoulders, pressing a kiss to her temple, and Cady says softly, “Don’t you want me to do things for you?”

Even though she’s sitting down, Janis feels like she’s going to pass out, her head spinning. “I… uh…” Words. Words. She definitely learned words at some point. “Uh… not like that. You can, um… do things for me, absolutely, but if it’s something I _can_ do for you, I will. There’s no give-and-take there.”

Cady considers that, one hand on Janis’s thigh while she picks at the popcorn with the other.

“You’re gonna want to offer, to be polite or because you feel like you should or whatever, but you don’t have to. I’d rather you didn’t. Just assume that if you need something, I’ll get it for you.”

“Don’t you think I’ll get lazy?”

“God, I hope so,” Janis says, grinning over at her. “If you get lazy and lie around and get _fat_ then I’m doing my job.”

Cady laughs. “Are you being serious?”

“About what?”

“Getting fat?”

“If I had any pride I’d immediately start learning to cook so I can make sure you’re eating enough, but… Well, maybe over the summer.”

Cady is going pink again, head ducked low, and Janis watches her with this ache in her chest from loving someone so goddamn much. She still wants to ask, every five seconds, _Is this really happening? Are we really doing this? Are you sure?_ but Cady doesn’t really leave any room for doubt. It’s so obvious that she wants this. She isn’t even ambivalent about it.

“Wanna talk boundaries?” Janis says.

Cady looks up, nodding, but she waits expectantly and Janis is like, _Oh right. This is on me._

“Can you think of anything you don’t want me to do, or don’t want me to ask you to do?”

She thinks about it, then shakes her head.

“There has to be something.”

“Nothing that I actually think you would do,” Cady says. “I’m not gonna start listing everything in the world ‘cause then you’re like, ‘Oh, she thinks I’m gonna do _that_.’”

Janis has to try not to laugh. “Okay.”

Cady thinks again, then shrugs. “Nothing obvious. Nothing that you’ve… already done.”

“So far so good,” Janis says, seeking confirmation, and Cady nods.

“Really good,” she says seriously.

Jesus fucking Christ, Janis really is going to pass out. This can’t be real life. She doesn’t know what it is, but it’s definitely not _her_ life. When she was thirteen, she would occasionally dream about how awesome her life would be when the universe finally decided to pay her back for all the suffering, but she never could have pictured this. If a genie in a lamp asked her for three wishes, she wouldn’t have wished for something this good.

But she’s getting ahead of herself.

"You'll say no if you need to."

"I'll say no when I really mean it," Cady says. "Not for stupid baby shit like..."

Janis freezes, her stomach sinking, and it must show on her face because Cady notices immediately. She trails off, but it takes her a second to get the rest of the way there.

"Oh, shoot. Sorry."

Janis shakes her head, but it feels worse than she expected. "I owe you a word, so I'm gonna let that one slide. I _really_ hate it, though."

Cady hugs her with enough urgency that she spills the popcorn, and it's so sweet Janis almost bursts into tears.

"Oh, honey. Don't worry."

“I can make you feel better,” Cady whispers, her breath hot on Janis’s neck, and… shit. Janis wasn’t expecting that. Maybe she should’ve been. It’s a practical response, logical, and God knows Cady is all about logic. But this isn’t how it happens. This can’t be how it happens.

She knows and believes that with everything in her but it still takes her a minute to react. Even then, she doesn’t say no, just gently removes Cady’s arms from around her and sets her hands back in her lap. “We should start your second half-hour. We’re gonna run out of time.”

“Maybe I should just go home,” Cady says, and the way she’s staring makes Janis think, _Maybe you’re right._

“That’s fine,” Janis lies. “You have to decide.”

Turning to sit forward on the couch, Cady rubs her hands over her face, eyes squeezed shut. “I should be stronger than this. More mature, something.”

“You don’t have to be,” Janis says, watching her. “You can just… do what I say.”

Cady nods, breathing slowly, eyes closed. "It's easy," she says after a minute. 

"Simple," Janis says back, and Cady nods again. 

It's a good thing Janis isn't the one who needs to focus, because Cady gets to work and Janis doodles in her notebook, thinking about the colour of Cady's hair. She had it professionally dyed one last time, trying to match her roots so she could let it grow out, but you can't find that colour in a bottle. Still, with the flannels and braids, jeans and sneakers, it sometimes feels like the whole Plastic phase was a fever dream. Or maybe a fantasy Janis had of a hot girl who was just mean enough to her. Right up to the point where it all crossed a line and went to shit.

At the door later, Janis hugs her and slides one hand up Cady’s back, under her hair to the base of her neck. She sighs and says, “You were so good today.”

“I had to apologize,” Cady counters. “Twice.”

Janis pulls back to look at her with real concern. “You know that doesn’t make you less good, right? You’re allowed to make mistakes. It’s important that you know that.”

“Oh,” Cady says. She frowns for a second. “It’s possible I have a mild case of perfectionism.”

“Well, that’s adorable, but it makes me a tiny bit nervous that you won’t say no because you want to be good.”

Cady huffs a little breath. “You only _think_ that because you haven’t _done_ anything,” she says, verging on impatience. “When I don’t want to do something, _you’ll know._ ”

“Like that?” Janis says, fighting a grin, and Cady flushes pink instantly. “I’m convinced.”

“Should I apologize?” Cady mumbles.

"No, I like that," Janis says, touching Cady's jaw lightly so she'll turn her face up and look at her. "A little feisty. A little... fiery." She means _hot_ , and Cady blushes harder, not actually meeting her eyes. Janis presses a kiss to her forehead just to feel the heat, then kisses her, and no matter how Cady feels she always responds like this, turning into the kiss, opening her mouth and always looking for more, always trying to get closer. “You have no idea how good you are,” Janis murmurs. Cady takes a breath, almost gasping, then pushes up, wrapping her arms around Janis’s neck and pulling herself as close as possible.

It definitely isn’t getting any easier to say goodbye to her at the end of the day. They’re so close to the school year being over, but that handful of days looks infinite from here. Janis can’t help thinking that if she were just a little weaker, she could have everything she wants, right now. No waiting, no limits, and no saying no, ever. She doesn’t actually want to be strong. Not with Cady on her lap, and not now when she could so easily slip a hand down lower than Cady’s waist.

“We should go,” Janis says. “If we’re late your mom will stop letting you come over.”

“I don’t think so,” Cady says, and Janis raises her eyebrows. “I know we have to go, I just don’t think she’s on quite as much of a hair trigger these days. She _really_ likes you.”

“How did I pull that off?”

“All she sees is how you treat me. How happy you make me. You made her life a lot easier.”

Suddenly serious, Janis scans her face, examining the curve of her cheek, the lines of her mouth. She moves her thumb to brush over Cady’s lower lip, then drags down on it slightly, parting Cady’s lips. She eyes the gap and says, “I think I’m in love with you.”

Eyes falling shut, face upturned, Cady tsks and says, “Awkward.”

“I know. I guess I could be wrong.” She kisses her and Cady presses closer, one hand coming up to curl around Janis’s wrist. She stays on the ground, letting Janis bend to her, giving her the physical upper hand for once. Even then, even standing still, Cady is somehow moving toward her, always going in her direction.

“I might be in love with you too,” Cady says, breathless.

“That might be okay.”

“Maybe,” she says, tipping her chin up. “Let me see.”

Janis kisses her again, forgetting they need to leave, forgetting anything other than how _soft_ Cady is, how eager, how willing. She feels it in the pit of her stomach, though, not immediately but not more than a minute later. This is on her. She's responsible. "We have to go," she says, finally.

Cady takes a step back, putting her hands behind her like that will make her less dangerous, but she just looks demure and adorable.

“That’s not helping, don’t do that.”

“Well, what should I do?” Cady asks innocently.

“Good question. You’re very cute, you know that?”

“I’ve been told.”

Damn, okay. That’s one way to respond to a compliment. _I’ve been told,_ Jesus.

Again, not helping, but it’s not Cady’s fault Janis is so in love she can’t think straight. Turning around, she opens the door and holds it for Cady, and on the sidewalk Cady reaches for her hand, holding it the whole walk back.


	5. Chapter 5

At lunch the next day, Cady sits down with her tray and stares at it for a minute. “What am I forgetting?”

Janis glances over and says, “Ketchup?”

Cady groans but Janis is already jumping up from the table.

“I’ll get it for you.” As she walks away, Damian must say something because Cady laughs, loud and abrupt like she’s been surprised. When Janis gets back, setting the ketchup on Cady’s tray and sitting down, she says, “What was funny?”

“Thank you,” Cady says, putting a hand on her leg under the table. “I’ll tell you later.”

At Cady’s locker, Janis asks again, “What was funny?”

Cady glances at her, finishing with her books and then turning and sliding closer. She looks around once more, like she wants to make sure no one is listening, then smiles a little. “He said, ‘You’ve got her wrapped around your little finger.’”

Janis blinks. “To you.”

Cady nods.

“About me.”

She nods again.

“That’s hilarious.”

“I thought it was pretty funny.” She seems very relaxed about it, which is a little surprising. The implication isn’t great, and Janis might need to have a talk with Damian about making comments like that as soon as Janis walks away. Cady thought it was funny this time, but she easily could have taken it personally.

Then again, “He isn’t technically wrong,” Janis says. “I would do anything for you.”

“I know,” Cady says.

Interesting. “You know,” Janis echoes. “You’re feeling very secure, aren’t you.”

Cady leans her head back on the locker, watching Janis like she isn’t sure which answer she’s supposed to give.

“You know you can depend on me,” Janis says. “You know I’ll do anything for you.”

She nods.

“That’s good. That makes me happy.”

“Me too,” Cady says, her mouth turning up in one of those smiles that it seems like she can’t help. “I like depending on you.”

Still, Janis texts Damian.

> Janis: dude
> 
> Damian: I didn’t mean it in a bad way!   
>  Damian: I thought it was cute
> 
> Janis: you can see how Cady would be a little sensitive to the implication
> 
> Damian: I really really didn’t mean it that way
> 
> Janis: I know   
>  Janis: it’s not a big deal, she thought it was funny   
>  Janis: just be careful
> 
> Damian: she seems really happy   
>  Damian: and like.... chill??   
>  Damian: I didn’t think Cady had a chill setting
> 
> Janis: lol   
>  Janis: I’m not gonna tell her you said that   
>  Janis: but yea I know what you mean   
>  Janis: she hasn’t been able to relax in a while   
>  Janis: or like… ever
> 
> Damian: awwww   
>  Damian: she relax *puppy dog eyes emoji*   
>  Damian: das cute
> 
> Janis: settle down
> 
> Damian: I’m allowed to cry about this   
>  Damian: my baby girl has a baby girl
> 
> Janis: ew
> 
> Damian: keep complaining you’re making me stronger
> 
> Janis: that’s fair tbh I’ll shut up

Later on, after both of Cady’s half hours, she tucks herself under Janis’s arm and goes quiet for a few minutes. Then she says, “Can I do something for you?”

“Like what?”

“I could… organize your papers.”

That’s so fucking _Cady_ of her it’s almost upsetting.

“Want to?” Janis asks, and Cady nods. “Okay, sweetheart.”

Cady moves to sit on the floor, reaching for Janis’s bag, but then she stops and says, “Do you want to—”

“No, I don’t have any secrets in there.”

So Cady reaches in, pulling out a pile of papers, then a binder, a few pens, another pile of papers, and a few crumpled up sheets from the bottom. Janis leans forward, looking over Cady’s shoulder and reaching for her hair at the same time, pulling it back so she can run her fingers through it.

“That’s kind of embarrassing, actually,” Janis says.

“No, it’s good,” Cady says, not even looking up. “The messier the better.”

“God, you’re a nerd.”

“I know,” Cady says lightly. She goes through the piles methodically, sorting the papers into subjects, probably, though Janis doesn’t pay much attention. She’s busy playing with Cady’s hair, braiding it and unbraiding it, running her fingers through it again and then sliding her fingers through to rub the skin on Cady’s shoulders, the base of her neck.

Cady sighs occasionally, leaning into her touch, then says, “You did the same thing in your room.”

Janis thinks, _I definitely didn’t touch your hair in my room,_ and says, “What?”

“You basically said, ‘Go through all my drawers or whatever,’ and left me alone in your room.”

“Did I?” Janis says. Maybe she should pay more attention. Somehow Cady remembers every-fucking-thing, meanwhile Janis barely knows if she was actually alive that day. “I know I seem really mysterious but I don’t actually have skeletons in my closet.”

“You could have secrets.”

“I don’t,” Janis says. “Not from you. Especially not now.”

“You’re allowed,” Cady says, and Janis studies what she can see of the side of her face, reaching to tuck Cady’s hair back behind her ear. After the pause stretches on long enough, Cady says, “You don’t have to tell me everything.”

“That’s your opinion. My opinion is I can’t ask you to trust me as much as I… as much as I want you to trust me, and keep secrets at the same time.”

“What about me?” Cady asks, a little faux-casual even as she stops what she’s doing, going still. “Am I allowed to keep secrets?”

“Sure you can, baby. You know you have all the power here, right? All the control.”

Cady sighs again, going back to her papers, and Janis keeps playing with her hair. “I did see one thing in your room,” Cady says.

“Yeah?”

“That note on your bulletin board. ‘Good morning.’”

“What about it?”

“It’s kind of cute that you kept it.”

“That’s like the only piece of paper I have with your writing on it,” Janis says. “It’s gonna be worth a lot of money someday.”

“How do you figure?” Cady asks skeptically.

“You’re gonna discover something, or invent something, and get really famous and then I’ll put that on eBay. Or donate it to a museum. Depending how generous I’m feeling.”

“I can write you more notes,” Cady says, like that’s the most obvious issue with what Janis just said.

“Oh yeah? That’s a good idea. I’ll have to keep some in the vault, obviously, to create the illusion of rarity.” Cady laughs and Janis smiles, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “I love you.”

Cady reacts the same way she did in her kitchen, inhaling, her shoulders lifting. “I love when you do that.”

“Excuse me?”

Raising her head, Cady looks ahead of her, and Janis can almost hear the wheels turning as she replays what just happened and figures out what went wrong. Then she says, “I love you _and_ I love when you do that.”

It’s cute the way she problem-solves, the way she doesn’t always get things right the first time, or doesn’t always know the answer, but stops and reevaluates and tries again. She’s so game, so determined to get it right eventually, to be better, to learn from her mistakes, and Janis loves her so much it hurts. She kisses her hair again and Cady goes back to her organizing.

“Are you finished?” Janis asks, even though it’s obvious she isn’t.

“Almost,” Cady says. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No, you can finish.” She flops back on the couch and stares at the ceiling, trying to come across less immature and impatient than she feels. Cady is too far away and Janis doesn’t actually care if her papers are organized, but she said she could do it and she doesn’t want to go back on her word. Her brain is annoying as fuck and all she can think about is the fact that Cady could be touching her and she isn’t.

She’s so in her head she almost misses Cady saying shyly, “Can I show you?”

Janis sits up so fast she gets a head rush, and Cady sits down beside her, putting a reassuring hand on her wrist as she squeezes her eyes shut. She waits to steady out, then gives her head a shake and says, “Yep, I’m good.”

“So I had to work with what I had,” Cady says sheepishly, like that’s her fault somehow. “Which is basically… clips.” She shows Janis the top of the binder—each bundle of papers has a different-coloured binder clip, spread out so they aren’t all stacked and end up forming a diagonal line. Opening the binder, she flips through the sections. “Divided and labeled by subject, and each subject is in reverse chronological order so the most recent pages are at the front. So when you get a new sheet, you can just stick it in at the front.”

“You sorted by _date?_ ” Janis says incredulously, and Cady gives her a strange look.

“Of course.”

Janis takes the binder, eyeing the unrealistically straight diagonal line of clips and then flipping through it again, seeing Cady’s little neatly written labels under each clip. “That is way more satisfying than I thought it would be.”

Cady nods, leaning into her side. “The brain likes order, I think. Patterns.”

“I get it as an end result,” Janis says. “The execution is beyond some of us.”

“Well, that just means I’m useful.”

Looking over at her, Janis puts a hand on her thigh, giving it a little rub. “Your existence is useful.”

Cady smiles, not looking back at her, and Janis kisses her cheek.

“Thank you, baby.”

“Thanks for letting me do it.”

Janis looks at her for a second, then kisses her cheek again, and Cady turns into it, catching her mouth and kissing her. They don’t move otherwise, drawing together and kissing with no reaching or touching, just mouths hot and open and… focused.

The truth is, they both like to feel useful. It’s just that for Janis that means taking care of Cady, making sure her needs are met, and for Cady it’s being good. She’s comforted by order and rules, likes knowing what she’s supposed to do, when, and how. It’s easier for her, and easier for Janis. It makes sense.

And it feels better than anything Janis has ever felt.

“I keep thinking I couldn’t possibly love you more,” Janis says when they separate. She pulls an arm out from between them to wrap around her and Cady ducks her head under Janis’s chin, wrapping both arms around her waist.

“I know, me too,” Cady says. “My heart is just going to explode.”

Janis laughs, rubbing her back. “That might be marginally less likely than it straight-up stopping.”

“Please,” Cady says dryly. “Continue to apply logic to my irrational fears.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

Cady hesitates. “…No?”

“You can’t just say no.”

“Then I take it back,” Cady says quickly, and Janis pulls back to look at her. Cady watches her, scrunching up her face in an adorable little preemptive wince, and Janis shakes her head.

“You’re gonna get yourself in trouble.”

Cady’s eyes drop to her mouth in a way that makes Janis think she has an idea the kind of trouble she wants to get into. She licks her lips, then says, “I’m sorry.” There’s something to her tone, though. It doesn’t sound like an apology.

“Try again.”

She licks her lips again, then closes her eyes, taking a slow, careful breath. It takes a second, but she meets Janis’s eyes and says more seriously, “I’m sorry.”

Janis reaches for another hug and Cady tucks herself under her chin, exhaling. “You love testing me,” Janis says.

“ _No,_ ” Cady says falsely. She breathes a little laugh, shaking her head, and tries again: “No.”

“One of these days…”

“Yeah?”

Case in point. “I’ll think of something.” She slides her hand up Cady’s back, under her hair to the nape of her neck, and says in a low voice, “You need to know there are consequences.”

Shivering, Cady burrows closer, arms tight around her waist. After clinging to her for a second, she says, "Do you have a word for me?" 

"I do," Janis says, and Cady sits back, putting her hands in her lap and looking extra attentive to make up for her sass. "It's gonna feel silly no matter what, so we're leaning into the silliness. Your word is greige." 

Cady blinks, her eyes going unfocused as her brain tries to process what is technically a made-up word. 

"Let me see your phone," Janis says, and Cady unlocks it and hands it over. Janis types 'greige' into google and hands it back. 

"Greige," Cady echoes, scanning the results. "I'm greige? That's a greige idea?" 

Janis snorts. "I'm guessing you aren't gonna be saying it much but hey, at least you have an option!" 

Cady gives her a little, wry smile. "So now if I screw up…" 

"Let's just say, don't." 

Cady grins, scrunching up her nose, and Janis has to try not to laugh. 

"Can you look like you believe me? Please?" 

"Oh, I believe you," Cady says, but she forces her face into a frown anyway, nodding seriously, and this time Janis does laugh. 

Dropping her chin, Janis looks up at her, then shakes her head again. "We should go." 

At the door, she brushes Cady's hair back from her face, studying her. Every time, she expects to see something—hesitation or doubt, at least a little discomfort with the sustained eye contact, but it's just not there. "Anything you didn't like today?" 

Cady smiles, shaking her head hard enough her hair flies out around her. Janis raises her eyebrows and Cady steps forward, reaching up to the back of her neck and standing on her toes, saying into her ear, "I like it." 

"Take a step back." 

Stepping back, Cady starts to put her hands behind her before remembering she's not supposed to do that. Her hands flex at her sides, then she clasps them in front of her. 

"You can't do this when we're trying to leave." 

"I didn't do anything," Cady says earnestly, and it almost sounds like she believes it. 

"Well, you need to do less." 

Looking down, Cady turns her feet in and dangles her hands like a bashful five-year-old. "I should take that as a compliment, right?" 

"You definitely should," Janis says, and Cady tilts her head, trying to hide her smile. "I just need you to not distract me at the door, because my attention span is… not great." 

"I forget how distracting I can be," Cady says quietly, watching her feet. 

The comment is on the borderline between innocent and _too_ innocent. For one thing, Janis is almost certain Cady knows exactly how distracting she can be. But she has to assume Cady is doing her best right now, because she knows better than to test her again and she wants to be good. She wouldn't be that blatantly disrespectful, so Janis needs to take the words at face value. She just forgot. 

"I know you aren't doing it on purpose," Janis says eventually. "But you need to remember. It's important." 

Cady nods resolutely. She's doing her best. 

"Give me a hug," Janis says. Cady starts to move forward and Janis holds up a hand. "Like a very platonic… hug." 

Cady visibly recalibrates, then steps forward and hugs her. To her credit, it’s very platonic. More platonic than their hugs when they were actually just friends. Janis would say, _Not that platonic,_ but she’s afraid she’s going to make Cady a little crazy.

“Can I kiss you goodbye?” Cady asks.

“You can kiss me outside,” Janis says, and Cady stares at her for a second like she stopped speaking English. But kissing outside is less dangerous. They can’t forget everything outside. Well, that might be a little optimistic; Cady looks at her mouth and Janis thinks she could forget anything, anywhere, for this girl. Any day. Any time.

She can’t though, is the thing. She has goals (for Cady) and she’s in charge and she has to get them to the end of the year without getting distracted.

They step outside and Janis turns to lock the door, and when she turns back Cady is right there, looking up at her. She waits, and when Janis kisses her she stays on the ground, letting it be simple and sweet.

They start walking and Janis says, "Still like it?"

"I'm very mature," Cady says. "And strong."

"Is that a yes?"

She nods.

"Good."

Cady looks over at her expectantly, like Janis obviously hasn't finished speaking, because she obviously did not finish that sentence.

Almost without thinking about it, Janis stops walking and reaches for her, pressing a kiss to her forehead and saying, "Good girl." The smile she gets for that is life-changing, blissful and pure, and Janis says, “Dopamine.”

“Huh?”

“You get a little high every time I say that.”

Cady stares up at her. “Say it again.”

“And the more I say it, the less you’ll react. I have to ration it.”

Face still tilted up, Cady closes her eyes, freezing in place, and Janis isn’t sure whether she should worry.

“Babe?”

“I’m trying to memorize the feeling.”

Janis can’t resist touching her face, those sweet round cheeks, and when Cady opens her eyes she kisses her again.


	6. Chapter 6

On Friday, the first thing Cady says to her is, “My mom says you can stay over if you sleep on the couch.” Her eyes are big, hopeful, even though it’s a baby step—and then she says, “Do you want to?”

“Of course,” Janis says. “Why would you even ask that?”

“You have to sleep on the couch,” Cady says earnestly, like it’s some huge hardship, like she honestly doesn’t know that Janis would sleep on couches for the rest of her life to spend five minutes with her.

“I get to eat breakfast with you, though. Maybe even see you in your pyjamas.”

It takes a second for Cady to process that, her eyes dropping to Janis’s mouth. “You’re silly,” she says softly.

“I’m fine with being silly.”

They go to her house first after school to pack a bag, and Cady wanders around her bedroom like she’s never seen it before.

“Can you believe we slept in this bed?” Cady says, trailing her fingers over the blanket. Janis tries very hard to ignore her and Cady adds, “Seems like a missed opportunity.”

“Watch it,” Janis says.

“I’m just saying.” Cady sits down on the edge of the bed, crossing her legs. “Just stating the obvious.”

Janis finishes packing, slinging her bag up on her shoulder and turning to face her. Cady stays where she is, watching her from the bed, so Janis keeps the room between them. The problem with Cady’s innocent act is she really is innocent in some ways. Janis doesn’t always know how aware she is of what she’s doing, but the way she’s looking at her now—she knows.

"Are you trying to distract me?" Janis asks, and Cady looks away but there's a hint of a smile on her face. "When your mom is expecting us? We've talked about this."

Cady loses the smile, shaking her head. "No, I—not like that."

"You're just itching to get into trouble?"

Cady shakes her head again. "I didn't mean it like that."

There's no innocent explanation for what she did—either she wanted to tempt Janis into actually doing something, or she was teasing. Neither option is great. In a different time and place, maybe Janis would entertain the idea, if only for a second. But right now is not it. 

“I need you to work with me here,” Janis says, and Cady squeezes her eyes shut, frowning hard. “You’re on my side, right?”

“I’m sorry,” Cady says, voice small. “I wasn’t thinking. I swear I’m not trying to be difficult.”

“I know,” Janis says. Cady looks up, not hopeful yet, and Janis watches her for another beat. She wants to say, _You could never be difficult._ She wants to say, _You’re such a good girl, please don’t be sad._ “Come here.”

Cady is up and halfway across the room almost before the words are out. A foot away, she hesitates and says, "Platonic, or…" 

"Just a hug, baby." 

Stepping forward, Cady wraps both arms around her waist, pressing her cheek to Janis's shoulder. Janis hugs her tightly, keeping one arm around her as she runs her other hand over Cady’s hair. 

She rubs her back and says, “Maybe I should have made you wait downstairs.”

“It’s good to learn things, though,” Cady says softly. “Now I know.”

Janis slides her hand up Cady’s back to rest at the base of her neck, taking a moment to consider that. “I’ve never met anyone like you.”

“I’m extraordinary,” Cady says, like it’s something she read in a book and is saying out loud for the first time.

“You are,” Janis agrees, “and I love you more than anything.”

She lets Cady wait in her room while she goes to change and fix her makeup in the bathroom, then they walk over to Cady’s.

Raising her voice in the direction of the kitchen, Cady says, “I need you to help me decide what to wear,” and it’s so blatantly suspicious that Janis is actually afraid of what she’ll do when she closes the bedroom door behind them. Stepping closer, Cady says, quiet and a little intense, “Can you pick?”

“You want me to pick?”

Cady nods, looking serious enough it makes Janis dizzy. Every time she thinks Cady has run out of ways to surprise her, she finds a way.

Janis brings a hand up to touch Cady’s cheek lightly, then moves around her to the closet. She pulls open the doors, both surprised and not by how _many_ clothes Cady has. Obviously she had to populate an entire second wardrobe when she had her personality transplant, but these days she’s gone back to wearing pretty much the same thing every day. She likes routine, and comfort. “What do you feel like?” Janis asks, and Cady shrugs, leaning on the open door. “I mean, will you hate it if I put you in a dress?”

“I’m not picky,” Cady says. “Would you like that?”

Janis ignores the question because she doesn’t have time to go there. She takes a step forward, scanning the hangers. “What order is this in?”

“Type, sleeve-length, colour,” Cady says, counting off on her fingers, and Janis doesn’t have time to deal with that, either, with how nerdy and adorable that is. 

Flipping through a few dresses, she finds one she’s never seen before, a deep, deep blue. It’s a little fancy, maybe, made of this crepey fabric, strappy and low-cut—but hey, why not? She pulls it out on the hanger and looks at it again, then says, “Try this on, let me see.”

To be fair, Janis did tell her to try it on, and she can’t assume Cady will know that means “don’t change in front of me because even though we’re dating we’re in the clothes-on phase of dating and I’m not willing to unexpectedly and unceremoniously see you with your clothes off for fuck’s sake.” So she just spins around as quickly as possible, trying not to turn bright red.

“Um,” Cady says. “Hi.”

Janis peeks through her lashes, making sure Cady is fully dressed before turning around and looking at her. The colour is so vivid, setting off Cady’s skin and hair, making the intense look in her eyes just a _little_ more intense. Taking a step forward, Janis touches one of the straps, slipping a finger under and testing the flimsiness. She’ll need to put something over it, but…

Eyeing the neckline, Janis tells herself she’s being thorough, making sure Cady won’t be showing too much. She lingers there, though, her hand moving to Cady’s shoulder and feeling the curve of it. Cady stays still, closing her eyes, waiting.

Janis steps back, glancing at the closet and then shrugging her own jacket off and holding it out. “Put this on.”

Cady’s eyes go a little wide and she takes it, pulling it on and bringing the lapels up to her face, inhaling. Then she wraps it tight around herself, folding her arms to keep it in place, and looks at Janis.

“That works for me. What do you think?”

Cady just nods.

“It’s a little obvious,” Janis says.

“Nothing wrong with obvious.”

True. It’s a look for sure, a look with a very clear message. The dress is almost knee-length and the jacket ends just past her hip, so you can see the skirt and her legs. With the jacket open, the neckline is visible, but you’d have to really try to catch more than a fleeting glimpse. It’s a look that says, _I’m hot, and I’m taken._ Perfect.

When Janis looks up, she realizes she lost track of time, staring at Cady for God knows how long, and Cady is watching her. She doesn’t seem to mind, doesn’t seem any more aware of the time passing. Janis takes a step forward, touching Cady’s chin, and says, “You’re so special.”

“And?”

Janis raises her eyebrows and Cady’s eyes drop the tiniest bit, only just breaking contact.

“Do I look nice?”

Janis considers her a moment longer. “Are you asking because you don’t know what I think, or because you want a compliment?”

Cady closes her eyes but holds still, not pulling away but not answering, either.

“You’re allowed to want a compliment,” Janis says. “But I’d like to know if you can tell what I think.”

“Yes, I can tell.”

“Good.” She brushes her thumb over Cady’s mouth, kisses her, then leans forward to say into her ear, “You are stunning. I’m so fucking lucky.”

“I look nice?” Cady asks again, sounding a little breathless.

“You look incredible. But in a subtle way. Definitely Mathletes-party-appropriate.” 

She’s tempted to stay where she is, her cheek against Cady’s, close enough to breathe her in, but she presses a kiss to the corner of her jaw and pulls back to kiss her properly. Cady sways forward, her hand coming up to curl around Janis’s wrist, tipping her chin up and letting Janis keep the upper hand. 

“I still want you to stay close to me,” Janis says a moment later. “You look too good for anyone to think you’re there alone.”

Cady nods, staring up at her.

“You don’t mind me being a little possessive.”

“More than a little would also be fine,” Cady says, all earnest innocence.

“Good to know.”

Cady pouts—a full pout, not her usual mildly pouty lip—and Janis realizes she said the G-word. Twice. She might have to pay more attention to her vocabulary if this is how Cady’s going to react the second she hears that one single syllable.

Janis shakes her head. “I’m holding onto it. You only get one today.”

“But it’s a special occasion so maybe I could get two today,” Cady says hopefully.

“It is not a special occasion,” Janis says, almost laughing. “Leaving your house is not a special occasion.”

“What’s a special occasion, then?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

It's probably the worst thing you could say to someone as curious and knowledge-hungry as Cady, but at the same time, Cady needs to get used to not knowing things. Janis isn't always going to share her thought process or telegraph her next move. Sometimes Cady will have to take a blind leap. That's the beauty of it. 

She seems to get lost for a moment, her eyes dropping and unfocusing. Coming up with a list of possibilities, maybe—special occasions and ways to celebrate them.

Janis just watches her for a bit, then says, "Sweetheart," and Cady looks up. "Do you need to finish getting ready?"

She nods. “Can you—do you mind waiting downstairs?”

“Sure, baby,” Janis says, and kisses her again. “I’ll see you down there.” 


	7. Chapter 7

She jogs down the stairs but hesitates at the bottom, glancing back up them before wandering through the living room into the kitchen. Cady’s mom is at the kitchen table, wearing her glasses and going over some paperwork, and she looks up when Janis walks in.

“Did she find something to wear?”

Janis nods, leaning on the counter. “I should hope so, with all those clothes.”

Mrs. Heron sighs, taking her glasses off and rubbing the bridge of her nose. “We need to go through everything, but there was never a good time.”

“Yeah,” Janis says. “We can do it this summer. It’ll be good, like a spring cleaning.”

Nodding, Mrs. Heron contemplates Janis for a second and then says, “You’ll be all right on the couch.”

“Oh yeah,” Janis says, lying through her teeth. “I can sleep anywhere, and you don’t have a cat who’ll try to suffocate me like Damian.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you…”

“Right.” Janis looks down at her hands, trying to shift her jaw discreetly enough to not look pissed off. She isn’t, but she isn’t exactly thrilled, either. “No, I get it. Your house, your rules.”

“Cady doesn’t love the idea.”

Janis can’t help smiling at that. “We both appreciate the compromise. But you’re her mom, she can’t make it easy on you.”

Cady appears in the doorway a few minutes later, silent in her stockinged feet. She’s organized her hair a little and added some eyeshadow, maybe a touch of blush, and she’s holding something in her hands.

“Binti, you look lovely,” her mom says, but Cady offers Janis whatever she’s got, fabric bunched up in fists tight enough that Janis can’t make sense of it.

When she walks over and takes it from her, she shakes it out and sees a jacket, army green and oversized. Something Cady has never worn, might not ever wear. Something Janis might have bought for herself. She gives Cady a surprised look, but Cady is watching her with a worried expression, so she just smiles and says, “Thank you.” She puts the jacket on, then says, “You need shoes.”

Cady nods, taking her hand and leading her to the front hall closet. Her heels are upstairs, but Janis fucking hates those heels and she hasn’t worn them in months, anyway. There aren’t too many in-between options, but she’s got these baby blue Converse and with the blue dress and Janis’s denim jacket, it kind of works. Cady sits down on the floor to put them on and Janis leans against the wall, watching her.

“Your mom was talking to you,” Janis says.

“What?”

“She said you look lovely.”

“Oh, shoot.” Cady stops, taking a breath, then finishes tying her shoes and stands up. “Shoot, okay, thank you.”

Janis nods, waving her off, and Cady goes back into the kitchen to hug her mom.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you.”

“That’s okay,” Mrs. Heron says, patting her back. “You have more important things on your mind.”

“Mom,” Cady says. “Thank you.”

Cady's mom meets Janis's eyes over her shoulder and they have another one of those whole entire silent conversations in one look. It's touching, or whatever, significant in some way, but in the end it boils down to, _You're still on the couch, though._

Which is fine. Moms will be moms. 

She makes them sit down and eat some salad because Kevin's ordering pizza, which is also fine. They haven't spent that much time with Cady's parents yet—Janis stayed for dinner once but for the most part she drops Cady off and says hi, then walks home. There's a clear change, though, not in Cady's parents but in Janis. She doesn't have the leeway to shut down or turn into a nervous mess around them anymore. It's a little ironic because she actually has something to hide now, but she's so much more comfortable and relaxed. She has a job to do and it's more important than anything else she might worry about, impressing them or doing the right thing or whatever. As long as she's taking care of Cady, she's good. 

The same is true of the party. They get the same spot on the couch and Janis wraps an arm around her automatically, saying, "You okay?" The question is more of a reflex at this point, as natural as breathing. 

Cady nods, leaning into her side. 

"We don't have to stay long. Whenever you wanna go, we'll go." 

Cady nods again. "I'm okay." 

The room is chaotic as people arrive, so Janis ignores the rest of the world a little longer. "Do you want… soda? Water?" 

Setting her hand on Janis's leg, Cady shakes her head. "Not right now." 

"I'll get you a water when I get your pizza, okay?" 

She nods. "Aren't you going to eat?" 

"I will. I'll probably just get you fed first." 

Looking down, Cady frowns a little, but she doesn't argue. It's counterintuitive for her, Janis knows, because she wants to be helpful. She would _love_ to be helpful. Janis brings her free hand up to touch the furrow between her brows and Cady blinks, meeting her eyes again. 

"I know you don't like it," Janis says gently, "but you can't always get what you want." 

"I know," Cady says. "But maybe we can come up with something. Something I can do." 

"We can talk about it," Janis says. "But—" 

Cady looks past her suddenly, her face changing in a way that makes a pit open in Janis's stomach. She knows without looking that it's bad, but when she turns around, it's Aaron. Fucking Aaron. 

"Hey guys," Aaron says with this crooked smile, his eyes on Cady only. "Cady, can I talk to you for a sec?" 

Janis gives him an incredulous look, but he keeps looking past her at Cady, like Janis doesn't exist. It's funny but he couldn't have picked a worse way to try to get on Cady's good side, if that's even what he wants. Ignoring Janis is literally the surest way to piss Cady off without saying a word. Not that it matters, because he's not getting any closer to her. 

Turning back, Janis grabs one of Cady's hands and says into her ear, "Stay here, don't move." She looks up, finding Damian on the other side of the room, and flicks a hand at him, indicating Cady. Then she gets up and grabs Aaron's arm, dragging him to the front door. He doesn't resist, but when she stops in the driveway and faces him, he looks completely bewildered, like they just teleported there. 

The first words out of his mouth are, "What the heck?," and Janis has to stare at him for a second to figure out if he actually just said _what the heck._

"Can I help you with something?" Janis asks with a very, very thin sheen of politeness. 

"I… wanted to talk to Cady," he says, like he doesn't see anything wrong with that. 

"Okay, and she texted you or something, right? Sent a carrier pigeon? Did something to make you think she would want you to show up at a fucking mathletes party to 'talk' to her?" 

“Well, I couldn’t get in touch with her,” Aaron says, looking down and scratching the back of his neck. “That’s why I—”

“Dude, she blocked your number. You get the logic there, right? She didn’t want to talk to you, so you… stop trying to talk to her? You don’t follow her to a fucking mathletes party and ambush her.”

“No, that’s not—I wasn’t—I didn’t—”

“Okay,” Janis says when she gets tired of waiting for him to finish a sentence. “You can go.”

“What?”

"Well, you didn't mean to cross any boundaries, right? You weren't trying to make her uncomfortable. You must be embarrassed. Right? You feel silly. So you can walk it off." 

He shuffles his feet, then goes to take a step toward the house and Janis moves into his path. It’s not like she could physically stop him, but he wouldn’t dare touch her. He still thinks he’s a nice guy. It just didn’t occur to him that his natural, heterosexual charm might have its limits. Sometimes it takes more than a crooked smile to open every door. He thinks if he can just talk to Cady, she’ll fall for it again—but he definitely doesn’t want those people inside to hear Janis’s side of the story.

“My…” he starts. “I came with someone.”

“Did you drive?”

He shakes his head slowly, looking a little scared.

“You can text your friend on your relaxing walk home. Or wherever, I don’t care where you go. Just leave.”

He shuffles his feet again, staring at the house and trying to come up with some other way to get in. “Don’t you think Cady can speak for herself?”

“Yeah, she tried that. She was very clear, actually. But she didn’t want to hurt your feelings, so now we’re gonna skip that part. Leave.”

“I just want to hear her say it.”

“Dude,” Janis says, before taking a careful breath. “Sincerely, I feel your pain. I know what it’s like to be in love with someone you can’t be with.” She waves back at the house and adds, “I know what it’s like to be in love with her. This sucks for you. But you need to treat the words coming out of my mouth as her words. I _am_ speaking for her. That’s the end of it.”

He keeps staring at the house, and Janis can practically see his heart breaking. She really does empathize because the idea of not being with Cady at this point is her worst fucking nightmare. She feels sorry for anyone who doesn’t get to be with Cady, but this kid got so close. He got to touch her, and kiss her, even if it was only once. And he’s the only person in the world who got to be chased by her.

Dumbass. He had her in the palm of his hand and he fucked it up. She’s done feeling sorry for him—it was a moment of weakness.

“She might text you tonight,” Janis says, and the fool looks hopeful for a second. “So we have a record in case this happens again and we need to file a police report.”

“You’ve got this whole thing twisted,” he says, sounding a little desperate.

Janis smiles. “I don’t care. Stay away from her. And if you wait until I’m not around to try again, I will find you, and I will hurt you.”

Taking a step back, he whispers, “You’re a bitch,” and Janis smiles bigger. She gives a little wave, fluttering her fingers, and he steps back again, looking up at the house. Finally, he turns and walks away.


	8. Chapter 8

Janis waits until he’s out of sight, praying he’s not stupid enough to double back. Walking a little slowly, she makes her way back to the front door, closing it and peering out the window. She’s tempted to lock it, but this isn’t her house and people might still be coming. He wouldn’t. No, he definitely wouldn’t.

When she turns to head for the living room, she sees Damian sitting with Cady, like Janis asked him to. He’s holding her hand, speaking gently to her, but Cady’s looking straight at her. As Janis starts forward, Cady gets up, meeting her halfway, just outside the door to the living room, just past the spill of light.

Janis takes her hands and Cady says, “What happened?”

“Nothing,” Janis says, smiling. “He decided to walk home.”

“He lives like three miles from here,” Cady says doubtfully.

“Well, he walked somewhere. Maybe he’s getting coffee, I dunno. He wasn’t in the mood for a party.”

Cady stares at her for a second, then says, “Can we go somewhere?”

Janis shrugs, waving a hand, and Cady tugs her to the nearest open door, which happens to be the bathroom. She locks the door, turns and hops up to sit on the counter, pulls Janis in and kisses her, all in one fluid whirl of motion that happens too fast for Janis to react. Cady is pulling her by the lapels of her jacket, kissing her hard, her thighs pressing on either side of Janis’s hips, and Janis doesn’t want to stop her.

This is not the response she expected, and even when she has time to react she doesn’t know how to, her hands frozen in midair, not touching Cady at all. Then Cady catches one of her hands, pressing it to her thigh, and Janis steps back, saying, “Cady, _what_ are you doing?”

Cady blinks a few times, breathing hard, and says, “Kissing you.”

“This feels reactive,” Janis says, unintentionally blunt, and Cady closes her eyes, swallowing. “Tell me why _that_ made you want to kiss me.”

“Because,” Cady says, and Janis feels her mouth go dry, dread pooling in her stomach. “Because you—you took care of it. You took care of _me_.”

Well, that’s the best of all possible answers, but still—that should have been a given. That’s her _job._ Janis watches her for a second, Cady’s hands gripping the edge of the counter so tight it looks painful, then says, “Did he scare you?”

Cady shakes her head quickly. “No.”

“Be honest.”

“He startled me, but I knew you would take care of me,” Cady says, so earnest it can’t be anything but true. “I knew you would, I wasn’t scared.”

Slowly, Janis says, “He startled me, too.” Sighing, she takes a step forward and brings a hand up to Cady’s cheek, stroking it with the backs of her fingers. “Sweetheart, that’s not an appropriate response, okay? You can’t do that again.”

“I didn’t mean to—”

“I know. It’s not that you did anything wrong, it’s just not appropriate.” 

Cady nods, looking at her like she’s all-knowing, all-powerful, and Janis touches the back of her head to tip it down, so she can kiss Cady’s forehead. 

“My sweet girl,” she says, and Cady sighs. “Do you want to leave?”

“No, I’m fine.”

Janis pulls back to look at her and says, “You’re _fine?”_

Cady smiles, nodding. “I want pizza.”

“Okay,” Janis says, stepping back. “My girl wants pizza.” She helps Cady down from the counter and Cady hugs her, clinging to her for a second and then unlocking the door and walking out. 

Janis is surprised to see Damian still in her seat, but he holds up his phone, saying, "I need to show you something." 

"Are you okay to sit and wait for me?" she asks Cady. 

She nods, so they step out again, going around the corner this time, into a darker hallway off to the side. 

"This is gonna be upsetting," he warns, and Janis braces herself, preparing for the worst. He opens his insta DMs and shows her a convo. 

> Aaron: Hey Damian. I know we don't talk but I feel the need to say something. I'm concerned. Janis is getting more and more controlling, and that's just in public. Who knows how she's treating Cady when they're alone? If you cared about your friends, you would intervene.
> 
> Damian: FUCK OFF
> 
> Damian: *7 middle finger emojis*

Janis snorts. "A mature and balanced reply." 

"I hate him," Damian says. "I hate him, I could kill him with my bare hands." 

"Yeah, me too." Janis sighs, handing the phone back. "Just block him. I'll block him, Cady will block him, we'll hope for the best." She pauses, shaking her head. "Part of me is like, he genuinely thinks he’s being helpful, but Joe Goldberg thought he was being helpful, too.”

“I know, right? That’s where my mind went first, glass boxes in basements and lots of murder.”

He’s only half-serious, matching her tone, but it is a little worrying. This dude is obsessed. She doesn’t want Cady to know she’s concerned, but she needs her to know this is serious. They return to the living room yet again and Janis sits down beside Cady, putting a hand on her leg. Some mathlete is keeping her company, but as soon as Janis sits down he says bye to Cady and leaves.

Janis watches him scurry away and says, “Is he scared of me?”

Cady turns her whole body toward her, putting her hand over Janis’s on her leg. “Probably. Most boys are.”

“Nice, thank you.” That’s all Janis has ever wanted in life. Well, that and Cady. 

There’s an announcement that the pizza is on its way, and in the meantime Janis says, “Let me see your phone.” Cady unlocks it and hands it over and Janis opens Instagram, searching for Aaron and blocking him. Opens Twitter, blocks him. Opens Facebook, blocks him. “What am I missing?”

“Mm… Snapchat?”

Blocks him.

“…TikTok?”

Janis laughs. “Why the fuck does Aaron have a TikTok?”

“Why does anyone have a TikTok?”

Fair. She blocks him.

“Gmail,” Cady says.

Janis searches his name and only finds the forwarded newsletter from last week. On instinct, she checks Cady’s spam folder and finds one email from Aaron, subject line, _Hey!_

“Oh, did I mark him spam?” Cady says. “Oops.”

“I mean, that works,” Janis says, but she blocks him anyway. “I want you to send something telling him to leave you alone so we have a paper trail, but I can write it.”

“Okay.”

Janis opens a note to write a draft and sighs out some anxiety, stretching her neck to crack it.

> Hi Aaron. As discussed, this is a written request that you do not contact me, or ask my friends to contact me, or approach me in person.

“Did he—” Cady starts. “That’s what Damian wanted to show you?”

Giving her an apologetic look, Janis says, “I don’t want you to worry, but you need to tell me if he tries again, okay?”

Cady nods, looking very serious.

“Are you worried?”

She shakes her head. “I’m never alone, I’m always with you or my mom.”

“And he’s harmless, like you said. Just irritating.”

Cady nods again and Janis wraps an arm around her, holding Cady’s phone in her right hand. Before she can get back to her draft, though, a message comes in from Damian.

> Damian: JANIS  
> Damian: CHECK YOUR OWN DAMN PHONE

“Ugh,” Janis says, sending back, _one sec_. It can’t be that important or he would walk up to her and say it.

> Hi Aaron. As discussed, this is a written request that you do not contact me, or ask my friends to contact me, or approach me in person. Any further contact will be considered harassment and also just really embarrassing for you. From Cady.

She waits for Cady to stop her, tell her to change it, but she doesn’t say anything, leaning into her side.

“You want me to send it like that?” Janis says, mildly dubious.

“It’s your decision,” Cady says, like that should be obvious. Janis is holding Cady’s phone and texting Aaron as Cady but it’s _her_ decision. Because that’s what they agreed. It’s a lot.

“You don’t care?”

“Why would I care?”

Good question. If Cady is never going to speak to Aaron again, it doesn’t really matter, does it? It doesn’t affect her at all. Cady is just so fucking logical about some things. And then other times it feels like they’re speaking different languages. 

The pizzas arrive and Janis says, “I’m gonna send it like that.”

“Okay.”

She copies it and finds the convo from Monday, before Cady blocked his number. Saving it under _sad boy *3 thumbs down emojis*_ , she pastes the message and sends, then double-checks that the number is still blocked.

Someone bellows, “Ladies!” and they both jump, looking up. Kevin is standing by the pizzas, holding his hands up to his mouth, and now he waves, saying, “Ladies first!”

Damn, okay. Mathletes got manners. “Don’t move,” Janis says, handing Cady her phone back. She goes up to grab a bottle of water and put two slices on a paper plate. Handing Cady the plate, she sits down and opens the water, then trades her so Cady can hold her water in one hand and have the other free for pizza while Janis holds the plate on her lap.

“Do you want a bite while it’s hot?”

It’s so sweet that Janis says, “Sure, baby,” and picks up a slice, taking a bite and putting it back. Cady gets to eating and after a second Janis remembers Damian and says, “Do you mind if I check my phone?”

Cady nods in a way that means, _That’s fine_ , and when she’s finished chewing says, “I don’t think I can enforce that rule anymore.”

“I can still be polite.”

“You don’t have to be.”

“Shh,” Janis says, glancing around. “We can talk about this later.” Cady shrugs and Janis pulls out her phone, trying not to fixate on _You don’t have to be_. She opens Damian’s convo and fires off a message before even checking what he sent.

> Janis: watch your goddamn language in Cady’s messages
> 
> Damian: you swear around her constantly
> 
> Janis: I said what I said

She almost feels bad when she sees what was so important—a photo of them from earlier, with Cady looking small in Janis’s jacket and almost-frowning down at her lap. Janis is ducking her head to see her face, one hand coming up to gently touch her forehead. Then a second photo, after Cady looked up, their eyes locked.

> Janis: aw that’s soft but did it necessitate the yelling
> 
> Damian: yes
> 
> Janis: can I post it
> 
> Damian: yes bb

She shows them to Cady, who says, “Aww!” through a mouthful of food.

“You should always wear my jackets, you look adorable.”

“I agree,” Cady says. “I mean, not the adorable part.”

“You don’t think you look adorable?”

“No, I—I can’t _say_ that.”

“Sure you can,” Janis says, and then, absently, “We can work on that. I’m gonna post it.”

“Okay.”

She turns her body a little so she can try to come up with a caption without Cady reading over her shoulder. They’ve both posted stories, but neither of them has done an actual post, though Janis doesn’t know why. It feels important, like it needs to be right, but that doesn’t make any fucking sense. Everyone knows they’re together, most people ship them (Janis doesn’t actually know of anyone other than Aaron who doesn’t, but there must be _someone)_ , it won’t make a difference. But still.

By the time she manages to actually post, Cady has finished eating and thrown out her trash (before Janis can do it for her), gone to wash her hands and come back to put her chilled hand on Janis’s knee.

Janis posts both photos, in order, with the caption:

> When I told her she was going to ruin my reputation she said “your reputation with WHOM?” and that is such a mood. #1week

She puts her phone back in her pocket and Cady pulls hers out, opening the post.

Bringing a hand up to her mouth, Cady smiles and says, “That’s out of context.” Then, “One week. Whoa.”

“I know, right? That’s fuckin’ wild.”

Cady turns to look at her like maybe she’s never seen her before, touching her cheek and scanning her face. Janis wraps an arm around her again and Cady lays her head on her shoulder, saying, “I’m so happy.”

“Me too.”

After a second, Cady sits up and unlocks her phone, commenting a heart emoji and adding the post to her story, then refreshing the post as comments come in.

> **damianhubbard** photo cred
> 
> **keving** house cred *rock on emoji*
> 
> **gretchenweiners** awwwwwwww *puppy dog eyes emoji*
> 
> **karensmith** *alien emoji* *lion emoji* *women holding hands emoji* *3 heart emojis*
> 
> **reginageorge** I can’t think of anything mean to say… I’ll try again later
> 
> **mrsheron** My girls!!!
> 
> **msnorbury** can I adopt one or both of you
> 
> **mrsheron** @ **msnorbury** No!

When she gets bored of that, Cady puts her phone away and lays her head down again, wrapping an arm around Janis’s waist. Almost immediately, Janis’s stomach growls and Cady looks up at her, eyes wide. “You need to eat!”

“I know, baby. It’s okay.”

Cady shakes her head, adamant. “You need to eat.”

"I know," Janis says again. She wants to tell Cady not to worry about her but it would be like telling water not to be wet. Rules and power dynamics are one thing, but when your sweet, anxious girlfriend tells you to eat, you eat. Janis smiles and kisses the tip of her nose. "I'm going, I'm going."


	9. Chapter 9

They don't stay too late, but it's Janis who makes the call. Cady seems content, once Janis has eaten, to snuggle with her on the couch for the foreseeable future. She doesn't want to play a game, or sing karaoke, so they just watch everyone else, in their own little bubble. It's loud around them, but peaceful. 

Back at the house, Cady goes upstairs to change while Janis uses the downstairs bathroom. She's sitting on the made-up couch, braiding her hair over one shoulder, when Cady comes back down in her PJs and sits beside her. 

"Hey, cutie." 

"Hi," Cady says, her voice soft. "You look cute, too." 

Janis gasps in mock-outrage. "Are you implying that pyjamas make me less scary?"

"I wouldn't know," Cady says reasonably. "I'm not a boy."

"Right, that was silly of me." 

They've been gradually drawing closer, just a gentle sway toward the middle, and now Janis extends her fingers with her hand still on her lap. Cady slips her hand into Janis's, small and soft and so precious. 

"What's the verdict on going to parties?" 

"It was nice," Cady says, shifting a little closer. She tilts her head, eyes on their hands, and adds, "I would go anywhere with you." 

"I know," Janis says back. "If you liked it, we can go again." 

"I wouldn't like it if you weren't there." 

"That's fine. You don't ever have to go without me." 

Cady nods, head down, then sighs like the weight of the world is on her shoulders. 

"What's wrong?" 

"If I just don't sleep then I never have to go to bed, right?" 

Well, she can't fault the logic. And she can't lie, even after everything, it feels good to know it's as hard for Cady to leave her as it is for Janis to let her go. "I kind of doubt your mom intended that as a loophole," she says gently. "Also, I want you to sleep." 

Cady nods again, still not looking up. 

"Sleep deprivation affects you the same way alcohol does." 

Eyebrows drawing together, Cady seems to very seriously consider the implications. After a second, she meets Janis's eyes and frowns. "I don't like that." 

"I didn't think you would." Janis smiles, squeezing her hand. "You'll try to sleep." 

Her face clearing, Cady nods. She holds eye contact, and she doesn't pout or even really exaggerate her puppy dog eyes, but somehow Janis knows exactly what she's thinking. 

She glances at the open doorway to the rest of the house, then leans in, touching her cheek to Cady's and saying into her ear, "Good girl." 

Cady lets out a breath, turning her face, and Janis kisses her cheek, then lets her catch her mouth. She doesn't want to get lost in it in Cady's parents' house without a door to close, but it's impossible with Cady there and, well, there. Always soft, always yielding, always open and reaching. 

"You know you're addictive," Janis says a minute later, gently accusatory. 

"That's not my problem," Cady says back. It's factual; she isn't trying to be rude or give attitude, so Janis doesn't call her on it, but it's right on the borderline. She isn't wrong, though.

"I can make it your problem." 

Pressing her lips together against a smile, Cady nods, and Janis is just thinking about kissing her again when a loud knocking sounds from the hallway. There's no door, so Cady's mom must be knocking on the wall. Which is cute. 

Janis drops her hand, then runs it through her hair, sitting back a bit. "Uhh, come in?" 

Mrs. Heron pokes her head around the wall and says, "Lights out, girls, okay?" 

Cady looks to Janis, who nods. 

"Sure thing." 

"I'll let you say goodnight," she says. "Cady, I mean it." 

When she's gone, Cady drops her head, squeezing her eyes shut, hands curling into fists. 

"Honey," Janis says sympathetically, bringing a hand up to her cheek. "You'll see me in the morning." 

"It's never enough," Cady says, and Janis is surprised to feel actual tears on her cheek, immediately pulling her into a hug. "I'm such a baby." 

"You're fine," Janis says, and then, firmly, "You. Are. Valid." 

Cady laughs a little, pulling back to wipe at her eyes. "I'm valid. Thank you." 

"Always." 

Cady gives her a warm look, not happy but not quite as sad. “Goodnight,” she says, and Janis smiles.

She reaches for the back of Cady’s head, drawing her in to kiss her forehead and saying, “Goodnight, sweet girl." Cady leans into it and they stay like that for a second. Janis strokes her hair, then says, "Go on."

An hour later, she's staring up at nothing in the dark when her phone buzzes. 

> Cady: I love you
> 
> Janis: go to sleep

Immediately, an incoming call takes over her screen and she swipes to answer. "What did I just say?" 

"I can't sleep." 

At some point Janis will have to be less of a pushover, but some point when Cady doesn't sound so sad. "Are you lying down?" 

"Mhm." 

"Lights off?" 

"Mhm." 

"Okay." She sighs, rubbing a hand over her face. "How are you feeling about tonight?" 

"It was perfect," Cady says softly, and Janis pictures her lying on her side in bed, a hand tucked under her cheek. "You took care of everything, just like you said." 

"I still don't want to, like, overstep." 

"No, you can… I mean, you can overstep. How else are you going to know how far you can go?" 

"Right," Janis says, trying to remember how to breathe. "Um. Okay." 

"What about you?" Cady asks. 

"What about me?" 

"You're the one who actually did the thing," Cady says. It’s a clumsy turn of phrase but somehow, on Cady’s tongue, sounds elegant. "Are you feeling okay about it?" 

Janis almost laughs. “What, scaring boys and hanging out with you? Yeah, that was okay.”

“You would tell me if something wasn’t, right?”

“I would, but I also think you would know. I’m not that hard to read.”

Cady thinks about that, then says, “You’re always nice to me, though.”

“Only because I like you so much. You know I’m not nice to anyone else, right?”

“I guess that’s fair,” Cady says, and she’s finally starting to sound sleepy, her voice softening further. “It still doesn’t always feel real.”

“Well, it’s only been a week,” Janis says, keeping her voice low and steady now, trying not to wake Cady up.

“How long is it gonna be?”

Janis waits a second, thinking maybe Cady will go on, or maybe it’ll just make sense if she thinks about it longer. “...In general?”

“Mm.”

Janis is pretty sure Cady knows the answer, and she’s half-asleep so she isn’t thinking clearly, but still—how do you answer a question like that? She has to be honest—she told her she would be honest. “I’d say that’s up to you,” Janis says slowly. “But… I made a commitment. I’m not planning on going anywhere.”

“‘Cause I need you,” Cady says, like they’ve had this conversation before, and Janis feels dizzy with relief that she didn’t say the wrong thing.

“Yeah,” Janis says. “I mean, ‘want’ also works.”

“Can you come here?”

As gently as possible, Janis says, “No, baby. Go to sleep.”

“Okay.” She’s already mostly asleep, and Janis is a little bit jealous that it’s that easy for her, but only a tiny bit because it feels really good to be that person. The person who makes it easy for her to fall asleep, just by being on the phone. It’s those little unconscious things, more than anything Cady does or says, that reassure Janis. They tell her that this is real. It’s big. And Janis is doing her job.

In the morning, Janis waits to hear Cady’s mom come downstairs before dragging herself out of ‘bed.’ It definitely wasn’t the best sleep she’s ever had, but sleeping badly is just a given for Janis at this point in her life. She goes to brush her teeth and wash her face, then wanders into the kitchen where Cady’s mom is starting breakfast.

“Morning, hon. Cady isn’t up yet.”

Cady _always_ wakes up before her, but Janis doesn’t say anything, moving toward one of the stools at the counter.

“Do you want to check on her?”

Janis freezes, trying not to make it obvious how high her heart just leapt. “Sure,” she says. “Yeah.” Cady’s mom looks amused, because of course she knows what Janis is thinking—she always knows—but Janis just shrugs, heading for the stairs. 

She hesitates at Cady's door, wondering if she should knock or just not walk in on Cady sleeping. But Cady would probably be genuinely hurt if Janis actually knocked and waited. Easing the door open, she peeks inside; the curtains are drawn, the room almost dark, and Cady is fast asleep. She steps in and closes the door most of the way, leaving it open an inch and crossing to crouch down beside Cady's bed. 

It hits her like déjà vu for a second, that dimly lit version of Cady's face. Sitting in dark kitchens with the girl she loved, the girl she couldn't love. That familiar ache in her chest. 

Reaching up, Janis strokes her cheek gently, then a little less gently, until Cady's eyelids flutter and blink open. Her mouth starts to turn up in a smile almost before her eyes focus, and she says, "Am I dreaming?" 

"It's time to get up," Janis says softly. 

Cady looks at her mouth and Janis pushes up to kiss her, leaning her weight on her hand. When she pulls back, Cady presses a hand to her mouth and says, “I need to brush my teeth.”

“I don’t care,” Janis says. “Do you think I care?”

“It’s just polite,” Cady says, sitting up and making a futile attempt to comb her fingers through her hair.

“I thought we didn’t need to be polite.” Janis stands up and stretches, almost missing the funny look Cady shoots her.

“ _You_ don’t need to be polite. We’re not the same.”

“True,” Janis says, sitting down beside her. “But you still don’t have to brush your teeth before you kiss me.”

Cady leans into her as soon as she sits down, turning and kissing her when she’s done speaking. She presses closer, closer, closer, with probably too much heat for pre-breakfast in their pyjamas sitting on her bed— _fuck_ —but then she says, “It’s not gross?” and Janis doesn’t have time to shift her priorities.

“Nothing about you is gross,” she says first— _priorities_. “Anyway, you taste the same.”

Cady kisses her again, like nothing else in the world matters, and Janis lets it happen for a second—a minute—a few minutes.

“Your mom is waiting for us,” Janis says finally.

Cady exhales a laugh, closing her eyes. “Shit.”

“I know I need to get better at saying no to you,” Janis says, and Cady looks away, losing the upturned curve to her lips. “You know I do.”

“I don’t have to like it.”

Janis touches Cady’s jaw so she’ll look at her and says, “You don’t like it?”

“That’s not what I meant,” Cady says, almost smiling. “I don’t have to like everything you do. Not when I… when I would…”

Janis doesn't know exactly what Cady is not saying but whatever it is makes her stomach swoop severely, mouth going dry. _When you would what?_ "I'll meet you downstairs," she says, and Cady nods. 


	10. Chapter 10

Stepping out into the hall, Janis takes a beat to steady her breathing, to try to cool her cheeks through will power alone, so when she walks back into the kitchen she can say, "She's up," with an easy smile. 

"Thanks, hon. How do you like your eggs?" 

"Oh, you don't have to—" 

"Nonsense, I'm making Cady's." 

Going for the stool again, Janis sits down and says, “I’ll have what she’s having, then, if that's easy enough."

"Morning, mom," Cady says, coming into the kitchen and sliding another stool closer to Janis before sitting down. It sounded more like 'mum' in her lazy just-woken-up voice, and for the first time Janis thinks she hears the ghost of an accent. Cady reaches for her hand, moving the stool closer again.

“I just remembered you owe me some home movies,” Janis says quietly.

“Can it still be a trade?”

“Of course it can.”

Cady smiles, squeezing her hand, and says, “Mom, do we have home movies from—”

She switches into another language and they have a brief exchange, then Mrs. Heron says, “Manners, binti. Speak English.”

“Sorry,” Cady says, glancing at Janis and then looking down. “We only had one camera so everything’s jumbled together, we’d have to scroll through.”

“Cool,” Janis says.

“It might take a while.”

“I’ve got time.”

Mrs. Heron brings their plates over and says, “You girls eat, I’ll go find the tapes.”

“Thanks, mom.”

They eat quickly and Janis carries the dishes over to the sink, then opens the cupboard under it to look for rubber gloves. When she straightens up, she finds Cady beside her.

“Can I help you with something?”

“My mom is going to kill me if she sees me sitting there,” Cady says quietly. 

It’s a good and thoughtful point and Janis is impressed it occurred to her. She goes back for Cady’s stool, moving it over to the counter beside the sink and handing her a clean dish towel to hold. “There you go, baby, you’re all set.”

She fidgets with the towel, because she’s Cady, watching Janis tug up her sleeves and put the gloves on. “Do you want more tattoos?” she asks as Janis starts washing the dishes.

“Definitely. I have to wait until I’m eighteen, though. What about you, would you ever get a tattoo?”

“Never really thought about it,” Cady says. “Would you like that?”

That question again—and the thought of Cady with tattoos is a lot. She has to take a second, heat rising to her cheeks, before saying casually, “I don’t hate the idea. But you make everything look good.” She finishes washing and takes the towel from Cady to dry.

When everything’s put away and the gloves are back under the sink, Cady catches her wrist, tugging her closer. She finds the tattoo again, rubbing it with two fingers, and says, “Did it hurt?”

“No.” Despite everything, her heart is pounding at the proximity, mouth going dry. “This took two seconds, though. It’s not a good example.”

“You would get something bigger,” Cady says, tracing a larger shape on her wrist, lines, little circles.

“Yeah.”

“Like what?”

“Something colourful,” Janis says. “Artistic.”

Cady reaches up, drawing a shape on the fabric covering her bicep. “What do they call it when you do your whole arm?”

“A sleeve?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t think that’d be a turn-off?”

Cady looks up, eyes a little wide, and Janis kisses her. Her free hand lands on Cady’s leg, curls under her knee, and Cady slides forward on the stool, her hand moving from Janis’s wrist to her elbow. Janis's hand goes to her waist, slips around to the small of her back, and Cady presses up—and they're in her parents' fucking kitchen. 

"We should…" Janis starts. 

"Yeah?" 

"...go find your mom." 

Cady flushes, closing her eyes. “I swear I can only ever focus on one thing at a time.”

“With everything,” Janis says, “or with me?”

“Calculus,” Cady says, looking up at her. “And you.”

"So everything, then." Janis kisses her again and takes a step back to keep a little space between them. She gets a really good look at her from there, though, and says, "I'm in love with you." 

"Thanks," Cady says brightly, and Janis shifts her jaw, biting down on her tongue so she doesn't laugh. 

"Is that a joke?" 

Cady tilts her head. "Was it funny?" 

"You're the cutest person on the planet." 

"And funny," Cady says. 

"Yeah, babe. Cute and funny." 

"And…" Cady thinks for a second. "Hot?" 

"Cute, funny, and hot. The whole package." Janis steps forward again, touching Cady's chin even though she's already looking up at her, and says, "You believe me." 

"I kind of have to," Cady says, stretching up a little, trying to get closer. "Right?" 

It could mean so many things, and Janis doesn't want to say yes, doesn't want to risk implying she actually _has_ to. But Cady believes her. 

That wasn't so hard. 

"I was thinking we could watch a movie with Damian tonight," Janis says. "Maybe get to my house early enough to have some alone time." 

Cady bites down on her lip, trying again to stretch up. "We haven't been alone in days." 

"Two days," Janis says, and Cady nods. Taking mercy on her, Janis leans down, one hand on the stool for balance, letting Cady wrap an arm around her neck and kiss her. It's almost one-sided and Cady can't get as close as she wants to but it's still so, so good. "You know," Janis says, pulling back a little, not all the way. "We won't necessarily spend as much time together over the summer." 

Cady sits back, her face falling, eyes wide and sad. 

"I mean, our routine is going to change. We won't be at school every day. And… your mom…" 

Cady is just staring at her, looking like she's uncomfortably close to crying, and Janis needs to fix this immediately. 

"Oh, honey." Janis picks up one of Cady's hands, kissing her knuckles. "I'm trying to say we need to make a plan. I think you’ll feel better if you know what’s going to happen.”

Cady lets out a breath. "A plan." 

"I don't want you to worry," Janis says. "I know your mom doesn't either, but she doesn’t always know how to help you. You have to tell her, okay? You need a plan.”

Sliding down off the stool, Cady wraps her arms around Janis's neck, pressing her face into the curve of it. "I love you," she whispers, and Janis rubs her back. Then Cady does that long, slow breath thing again. 

"Baby, I haven't showered." 

"It's nice," Cady says, breathing in again. "You're a very hygienic person." 

"Aw," Janis says, trying to figure out how to take that. It has to be a compliment, right? "Thanks." 

They find Cady's mom in the basement, looking a little stressed out with a shoebox of tape cartridges in her lap.

"Oh, mom," Cady says, hurrying over to sit beside her. "We can do that." 

"I thought I would have some sense of the organizational system we used, but turns out… we didn't." 

"Didn't you use this footage?" 

Mrs. Heron sighs, rubbing her forehead. "We mailed it off with our notes and someone else made sense of it. Which was a great idea at the time.”

Cady reaches in, pushing the tapes around, flipping them and checking the labels. “We’ll have time this summer, maybe we can…”

Looking up, Mrs. Heron quirks an eyebrow at Janis and says, “Another project?”

Quickly, Cady turns and frowns over her shoulder, and Janis’s focus automatically zeroes in on her.

“We were thinking I could help you sort your clothes,” Janis says. “Make it a little less daunting.”

For a beat, Cady just looks at her, and Janis isn’t sure how she’s going to react, whether she’ll take issue with Janis and her mom talking about her, without her. Then she says, “Sounds like a plan,” and Janis grins. She steps forward, putting a hand on Cady’s shoulder, and Cady’s hand comes up to cover it and squeeze. 

“Anyway, there’s this,” Cady’s mom says, gesturing at the TV, where she’s pulled up a scene from one of the tapes. “Maybe if you keep going you’ll get lucky. I’ll leave you to it.”

She heads for the stairs and Janis watches her, rounding the couch slowly and waiting for Cady’s mom to be out of earshot before standing in front of Cady and saying, “Can I get you anything?”

Cady shakes her head and Janis brings both hands up to her jaw.

“Something to drink? Glass of water?”

Cady shakes her head again, looking up at her. “Sit with me?”

Janis strokes the corners of Cady’s jaw with her thumbs, then turns to plop down on the couch, folding a leg under her and giving Cady her hand. Cady laces their fingers together and Janis curls her other hand around Cady’s forearm, feeling the impossible softness of her skin just below her inner elbow.

Cady picks up the remote, puts it back down and picks up her phone, taking a picture. She taps away for a minute, then shows Janis her screen and says, “Can I post it?”

It’s a picture of their hands on a backdrop of comfy PJs, with the caption, _Don’t call her soft._

“That’s cute, go ahead.” Janis pulls out her own phone so she can like the post, add it to her story, and comment, _obviously_

Cady comments back, _obviously_

Janis shoves her phone back under her leg and taps Cady’s arm so she’ll press play. The video is whatever the opposite of HD is, opening on a shot from behind of a little girl in safari clothes and hat, a bright blonde braid down her back. Little Cady turns toward the camera, bringing binoculars down from her eyes, and Janis says, “Oh my God, look at you.”

Her face is several degrees cuter and rounder, but the worried furrow between her brows is the same as she says, “Mama, Banou is favouring her back leg.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Mrs. Heron says, setting the camera down on something and leaving it running as she moves forward to take the binoculars from Cady. She looks through for a minute, then hands the binoculars back and says, “Look again. What do you see?”

“She’s limping.”

“Is she putting weight on it?”

“Mama,” Cady says, sounding a little annoyed.

“She looks like you when you’ve got a pebble in your shoe but you’re too busy running around to take it out. I promise you she’s fine.”

Cady sighs, dropping the binoculars to hang on the strap around her neck and switching languages, her words coming much faster and smoother. It sounds like she’s giving her mom hell, and Mrs. Heron lets it go for a minute or two.

“English, binti,” she says at last. “You need to practice.”

“I don’t need to practice,” Cady says, biting out the words in her careful, precise English. “I can speak English, I just don’t like it.”

“All the more reason to practice. You’ll need it someday.”

Huffing out a breath, little Cady shakes her head, and now-Cady says, “God, I was a brat.”

“So what you’re saying is your mom knew what she was getting into.”

“Hey!” Cady says, laughing.

“You were so blonde, too.”

“Foreshadowing.”

Janis grins, looking over at her, and frees her arm to wrap it around Cady’s waist instead. “You just wanted to take care of the lions.”

“The lions could take care of themselves.”

“Still, though. Your intentions were good.”


End file.
